Insomnia!!!!!

I am awake due to unforeseen circumstances.

I had to take that two hour nap this afternoon. If you read my earlier post then you know I was having a crap day.

I didn’t feel well and was just having a breakdown kind of day.

Anyway, nap helped that but it is also keeping me awake now. It’s infuriating because I feel tired and because I have three appointments tomorrow I need to be human for.

So yeah.

Just frustrated I guess.

I at least got the nausea to take a back seat. That is helpful. Now if my brain would shut up, I’d be all set.

Trigger warning from here on out for some eating disorder discussion…

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So I have lost like 13-15 lbs over the last three weeks because I’ve been so ill, and my eating disorder is in its glory over that.

I ate a little dinner tonight, and in fairness, since I vomited involuntarily earlier in the day, I think it was reasonable not to push it. It just meant that I was hungry at midnight.

Raiding the cupboards I couldn’t stop myself from considering the “lowest calorie option” for feeding myself something without really adding anymore calories to my day.

I settled on a small can on green beans.

Whatever. Drain them and they are a finger food.

I know I am not going down a good path and I told my dietican that things were already a problem, so she’s having me log/journal again where she can keep track of me, but it is so seductive.

My clothes look better.

I feel better and more confident in my skin.

Just lots of things.

I really need to work on this in therapy, but there are so many things to talk about.

The hospital stay for this latest round of pancreatitis was terrible.

I can NEVER spend three weeks in the hospital again and it will be too soon.

So yeah.

Things are just spinning out.

And then they are not.

I don’t know.

I do know I need some freaking sleep.

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