Faith

Faith is a funny thing for me. I've talked about it in passing before. I'm a Christian, but I don't feel like a very good one.  I mean that in the sense that I know intellectually that I am supposed to trust God and turn over my problems to Him. I totally suck at that due …

Doldrums

This is a great book. The main character, Milo, goes off on an adventure and reaches this area called "The Doldrums" where he meets people known as the Lethargians who don't think or laugh. It's supposed to be a place where people who daydream too much get stuck. Our hero figures out he has to …

Meds

New medication today after seeing my psych PA. It's a blood pressure med but it's supposed to help with anxiety too so here's hoping. She also approved my increase in my antipsychotic so that was good news. I am also now the proud owner of a blood pressure cuff since I have weird blood pressure …

David

I am just missing people lately. This is my "big brother" Dave.  He was, until he passed a little over two and a half years ago, one of my closest of friends, my rock, my debate partner, my activity partner, my confidant, my brother, and the person I felt safest with in the world.  David …

Lists

I don't know if anyone else does this, but I make lists when I feel out of control. Lists of things I need to take care of, lists of things that I'm feeling, lists of things I need to talk to providers about, etc.  I see my psychiatrist's PA this morning and I made a …

Light!

After a bit more research on diurnal mood variation I found out it is a thing that can be reversed. While people typically experience a low mood in the early morning hours and then pep up at night, some people experience the opposite. That's me of course. I also read that while it is a feature …

Arts

As much as school was a trauma for me, the arts education I received while there probably saved my life.  An elementary music teacher spotted that I was not adjusting to the new school setting well and she and the art teacher made extra time to pull me out of class and have me "help" in their …

Drained

I'm drained from dealing with this current mood state, my family that lives with me is drained, and my mood is circling the drain.  Fantastic.  I'm mentally fatigued from anxiety and racing thoughts but also from not sleeping well and waking up before the sun. My body doesn't feel tired though so it's hard to …

Rest

Today is a day for relaxing. I don't have any special plans, nothing I must do. Spending a little bonding time with my Mom and working to distract myself from how anxious I am about trying to sleep tonight already. It's early afternoon and I'm already worried about after-dark.  I may attempt some kind of …

Learning

It's amazing that I can always learn new things about this illness despite living with it for 21 years.  Admittedly, I've only really been paying attention for nine, but you think I would have a handle on what the ins and outs were by now given my propensity for research.  That said, I just read …