I’m unclear…

…as to what my purpose is. Not in an, “I don’t belong here anymore” kind of way, just in an “existential crisis” kind of way. I honestly have no idea what God or the universe has planned for me. It’s getting old. I’m getting old. For real. I have friends that have grandkids. I don’t …

Home now.

Mom is… okay. She is also home and sleeping now. I don’t know. I just feel fried. I was so worried. Her CT scan and labs came back normal and her blood pressure went down some so they let us go home. I was kind of super freaking out when she asked me where she …

Headed back into the fray…

The nurse said I had to go back into the emergency room because I was throwing up too much. Color me thrilled. It’s Friday night. Do you know what the ER looks like on a Friday night?? I’ll be there just waiting for six plus hours. Sigh. I feel miserable. I guess it doesn’t matter …

The struggle….

…just to keep water in my stomach. It’s completely real. I was an idiot and ate some pumpkin seeds when I got home this morning. Apparently they ticked off my stomach. I mean I guess because that is what I just threw up so… I thought the first time it might have been the ginger …

Home.

I’m out of the hospital, finally. I still feel kind of terrible if I’m honest. I am so thirsty and I can’t seem to make the pain in my side calm down. I was on iv fluids until this morning, so now that I’m responsible for hydrating myself, I’m not doing quite as good of …

It’s official…

…I hate everything. I am sick. I’m tired of being in the hospital. I keep throwing up and being in pain. I am uncomfortable and angry and lonely. I am sad. I am tired. I just ate too much food trying to get the doctor off my back so he wouldn’t order a feeding tube. …

I work so hard to feel…

…like I have agency in my life, despite the issues I have with my mental and physical health. When people toss me around like I have no value or rights to self-determination, I get irritated. My nurse is lovely. My doctor is lovely. What they are not, either because they cannot, or because they choose …

At the STUPID ER…. Again

I hate it here. I am always here though, and they treat me like it. It sucks. My pancreatic enzymes are just a smidge too high, but not high enough to be “pancreatitis.” I don’t know what is wrong, but something hurts a lot and I am losing fluid quickly out of both ends. So …

Realized I failed my therapy homework

I was supposed to be “checking in” with myself five times a day since I saw my therapist on Friday. Oops. Haven’t been doing that. Why? Honestly, because it’s so much easier, (and safer feeling), to ignore how I’m feeling, toss on the mask and just be. I had alarms set. I did. I ignored …

Is it or isn’t it?

I’m trying to decide if this pain in my side is just me being ridiculous, or if it’s my pancreas acting up again. I hate this. I literally live in fear of my own body. Thankfully, my pancreatic specialist put in a standing order for a lab so I can get that enzyme checked when …