Crash and burn

What goes up, must come down. My fun hypomanic episode has come to an end. It had to of course, but I’m seriously bummed. I hate depression. The hopelessness and the feeling that it’s never going to end, even though I know realistically that it will. I’m just tired of the ride. People say that …

What a goat rodeo…

Okay, some of you may have noticed my blog went dark on Friday. I went inpatient for my eating disorder. Ostensibly. Unfortunately, because of the way the system works, (or doesn’t), I got placed on a psych ward and didn’t see a dietician until today. I also didn’t see a case manager until today. I …

I have the best providers…

…because they are so patient with me and don’t fire me even when I am a total idiot. I saw my dietican today and she is literally the nicest person. I really like her. My therapist is also a sweetheart. Even my psych is a nice person and genuinely cares about me, even when I …

Five years!!!!!

I can’t believe I have had this blog for five years!!!! Five years of rambling and wandering. Thanks for joining me on the ride whether you are new here or old. I love you all!!!

I ate breakfast…

Trigger warning ⚠️ for eating disorder ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ I had oatmeal at the restaurant for breakfast. It was the only heathy(ish) thing on the menu. I put like a tiny splash of milk and probably a teaspoon of brown sugar in it to make it edible, but I didn’t get all of that because I didn’t …

Kind of not okay today…

I don’t know that “feeling better” is worth feeling like crap. I feel like a mess and I’m loopy and tired and sad. It’s like all of my defense mechanisms have been stripped away and I’m left with “crappy.” I have just been laying here crying all afternoon. I took the stupid med again because, …

Trauma response…

…to taking a new med. Yes, I know. Seems a little overboard. The thing to know is that so many meds have sent me to the emergency room with really awful reactions that I was terrified this one would as well. Turns out it just made me sleepy and a little flat. It might have …

Forgiveness

…and why I need to learn to offer it to myself. I have written about it here before and I am not going to rehash details, but I was in a borderline emotionally abusive relationship. I have a lot of feelings about it. Mostly, I am angry with myself for not ending it sooner. I …

Okay so I took the new med…

…and we’ll see what it does to me. I swear if I end up in the emergency room on a Friday night because of it I will be so very angry. I expect it will knock me out. Whatever. It better make the depression go away. That’s seriously all I know. I’m honestly trying not …

Thank goodness for my therapist

I texted my therapist today and then I called for “coaching” and got her anyway. That ended up being a good thing and a good conversation because I had a lot of stuff I needed to download today that was kind of overloading me. I see her tomorrow, but sometimes a day makes a difference. …