Beginning

This requires a TW: SUICIDE This is also LONG. I realized I have yet to tell my "diagnosis story" with any kind of detail. Here goes. I think I really started showing symptoms by age 11 or 12. I can remember crying at night with my Mom for no reason. I blamed family members, I …

I’m awake!

I am up and at ‘em! I got my coffee and got my bathroom clean enough for the housekeeping company to come (my mom makes me clean it before they come because she just wants them to scrub the stuff, not have to pick it up). I have Christmas presents to wrap and things to …

Day full of appointments and… shopping!!

I’m not sure which I’m more excited about honestly. I mean, this girl loves some holiday shopping, but I’m also really grateful to have my dietican and doctor’s appointments today. I am not sure what I’m buying while I’m holiday shopping, so that’s kind of a problem. I know sort of who I need to …

Do you ever dream you are in Las Vegas?

I do. I don’t know why I do, but sometimes I do. I don’t particularly enjoy gambling and I rarely dream about that. Last night, weirdly, I was using a random slot machine in my dream but it printed scratch off tickets! So weird. Usually, I’m wandering around lost or in the parking lots. Also, …

Smoothies!

I would show you an actual picture of mine, but frankly, it was not anywhere near as pretty as this one. Ha! Trigger warning ⚠️ eating disorder content!! ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ I mixed nonfat Greek yogurt, skim milk (I used to do almond milk when I was in the throes of my ED, but …

Just a day

It’s a day like any other I guess. The only real difference is I’m laying here crying and afraid. I don’t know what I’m going to do about this pancreatitis thing. I’m terrified. I literally can’t eat without being in pain and sometimes being in pain so bad that I just can’t take it. I …

Sitting in ER (Again)

I literally couldn’t take it. I tried to use my skills and I called for mental health coaching and I took pain meds. I was still absolutely miserable. I am in so much pain it’s not funny. I don’t know how to stop it. So… back to the emergency room I go. I’m so tired …

I made it through dinner

We had salmon, potatoes and green beans. It was okay, but I’m still just frustrated that I have to take these enzymes all through my meals. I can’t tell that they are making any difference at all, and the side effects are unpleasant. I am constantly in pain now. It doesn’t matter how much I …

Kind of having a bad day

Okay. So. I’ve been sick for two months pretty much. I’m tired. It’s played out. I know I’m supposed to be the “good little soldier” and no one likes to see sick people complain. WELL GUESS WHAT? I’m complaining. I have this STUPID med that I have to take throughout every meal that tastes awful …

Thank goodness I have therapy today…

I am a little overwhelmed by how many times I’ve been in the hospital. Really. It feels like I’ve spent the last two months in there. I’m also worried about a friend who’s going through testing to see if they have pancreatic cancer. This person is not even 40 yet. It’s super scary. I am …

Score! Finally!

No joke I’ve been trying to get a dentist appointment for a year. I need fillings. They don’t hurt, but I need them and I’ve been wanting to take care of them. It’s impossible to get into the clinic that takes my insurance. Not kidding. Every time I call they tell me they are booked …