Beginning

This requires a TW: SUICIDE This is also LONG. I realized I have yet to tell my "diagnosis story" with any kind of detail. Here goes. I think I really started showing symptoms by age 11 or 12. I can remember crying at night with my Mom for no reason. I blamed family members, I … Continue reading Beginning

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Cycle…

I feel a little like I'm on a spin cycle. I have so many things to do in the next thirty or so days. I really need to get serious about my grad school application. I had nightmares about that last night. It's obviously on my mind. I have to go deal with the rehabilitation … Continue reading Cycle…

Trauma?

I have been working with my therapist on trauma and we have been talking about how a lot of my "symptoms" are really evidence of trauma and less a list of things that support a diagnosis. She explained that it's super common for someone like me to present with a bunch of symptoms and get … Continue reading Trauma?

Community

I'm feeling that itch again to do something. I want to help my community somehow. I think this means I need to find a place to volunteer. Sounds so simple, but I don't know where I want to do that. I tried reaching out to an organization a while ago that I thought would be … Continue reading Community

Cake 🍰

Went to therapy today and felt a little superficial. That's why Marie Antoinette is the photo today. I can't really explain why I couldn't get under the surface. I mean, I sort of did. We talked about the book I read last week that she gave me on emotionally absent mothers and how much I … Continue reading Cake 🍰

Umbrellas

I'm realizing that while I feel like emotional and physical crap right now, it's not as bad as it could be. I think it's because I have some new umbrellas to help me deal with some of this. First, I'm not automatically assuming that this is a depressive episode. It could be. It doesn't have … Continue reading Umbrellas

Ideas 💡

I'm struggling with ideas for self-care. I mean, there are the obvious ones like; take a shower, watch a movie, etc. I'm having a hard time with those. I can't find my nail polish. I know it would help me if I did my nails, but I don't know what I did with my nail … Continue reading Ideas 💡

Fears…

As I sift through old blog posts, I'm reminded that I'm only a breath away from being that person I was just over three years ago. That thought terrifies me. I read those posts and, while I can remember writing them, it feels like someone else. It's hard to look back and remember how I … Continue reading Fears…

Tough

I saw a post on Facebook this morning that made me think. It essentially said something like, "I'd rather see people who are kind and have learned through things in their life than people who have become tough and hard through them." I tend to agree. I have not been through as many things as … Continue reading Tough

Rest

I got some sleep last night, albeit in fits and starts. It seems to have helped with the overwhelming anxiety, although I'm still struggling a bit this morning. I woke up with a song in my head for some reason that reminds me of my parents' divorce and I can't get rid of it. Not … Continue reading Rest

Regulating

I'm having a hard time regulating emotions today. Mostly I'm just really sad. Someone I used to be friends with made a life altering decision that she can't take back and ruined multiple lives. I'm trying to process all of the things I feel, actually. I want to tell her how I feel, but she … Continue reading Regulating