Beginning

This requires a TW: SUICIDE This is also LONG. I realized I have yet to tell my "diagnosis story" with any kind of detail. Here goes. I think I really started showing symptoms by age 11 or 12. I can remember crying at night with my Mom for no reason. I blamed family members, I …

Heavy

My heart is heavy And so is my mind My limbs won’t move And I find I can’t stop thinking Of you my dear And how you slipped Into your deepest fear Old original art by me.

I got some sleep

Despite being really upset, I managed to fall asleep and stay that way. I think the hot bath I took last night helped calm me down. One of my friends told me how my friend ended her life. Not sharing that here. I was just better off not knowing. I am trying to be okay. …

Nothing is okay

I am not doing well at the moment. I’m trying to find things that are soothing and I’m failing. I can’t watch television or a movie because it is way overstimulating. I can’t focus to read. I can’t focus to create art. My stomach is a mess and I don’t want to put anything in …

my heart hurts

⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ My friend from high school completed suicide and I am heartbroken. I feel like I should have been able to do something to stop it. I knew she was in trouble. I knew it was bad. Since I didn’t know her baseline of bad, but kind of assumed it, …

Suicide

⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ I found out, literally five minutes before therapy this morning, that my friend from high school that I was trying to help out completed suicide sometime in the last 48 hours. I am numb. I am completely disassociated from it. I tried to help her. I don’t feel like …

LOCUS

They have this thing here at your annual review with the community mental health agency called “LOCUS.” It’s the worst thing in the world. Stupid people who have no familiarity with your case get on a call with you and your therapist or case manager or whomever and ask you questions about how you’re doing. …

The feels

https://youtu.be/ufbexgPyeJQ

Another call into my psych

I called my psych’s office again this morning. I realized that my “safety plan” from last week’s ER visit was for me to call her. Oops. I talked to the nurse this morning and I relayed that I was sinking again. The nurse said that my PA has no appointments available between now and when …

Got some sleep anyhow

Granted, I had whackadoodle dreams all night long, but I got some sleep. I am glad, because I have a lot to do today. I promised friends I would spend time with them today. I’m at once looking forward to that, and at the same time, thinking camping in my bed all day sounds awesome. …

Should not have napped

It’s almost 3am and I’m still awake. I blame it on the 3 hour nap I took earlier in the day. I am praying I get to sleep at some point tonight. I have things I promised people I would do tomorrow. I can’t let people down again. I am really frustrated. Some of it …