Beginning

This requires a TW: SUICIDE This is also LONG. I realized I have yet to tell my "diagnosis story" with any kind of detail. Here goes. I think I really started showing symptoms by age 11 or 12. I can remember crying at night with my Mom for no reason. I blamed family members, I …

Monday

Weekends go by about as slowly as pouring molasses outside in Michigan in January. If you've never tried that, it doesn't happen quickly.  I know most people live for the weekend. For me it's this black hole in time when businesses and agencies are closed. I hate it.  I want to get things done and move …

Fog

Bipolar Depression is hell, but the path to coming out of it can sometimes be a strange transition for me.  Often, I feel as though I was just in some kind of Trance cast upon me by an evil witch and am just only now beginning to see things clearly again. The fog begins to lift, …

Fail?

I'm thinking that this Remeron is not where it's at. It's supposed to help with sleep, and it did the first night.  The second night I took the optional half dose and slept just a little more than I had been.  Last night I was freaked out and was awake until late and up at …

Rash #2

Seriously people. I got a rash from my stupid vitamins. I'm pretty postitive it is not from the new med since the itching began the day before I started the Remeron.  So annoying. I have to be allergic to everything.  Can't take Benadryl or any other med for allergies, so I have a topical creme …

Warrior

Warrior She trembles as her fingers work the laces on her armor, knowing that her shattered soul may only be strong enough for this last stand.   Wearily, she sighs and gazes out onto the battlefield, soon to be littered with the shrapnel of fighting yet another battle with The Beast.   The Beast is …

Brave

I remember this poem fondly from first grade because from preschool through second grade, I was a Montessori kid. Starting in first grade on Fridays, we had to memorize a poem to Recite to the class. This was one of the poems I can clearly remember choosing. It's ironic now that I chose a poem …

Pathologizing?

I feel a little better.  Oh no.  Really. That's too weird. I don't even know what to do with that. Am I on an upswing? Am I on the way to hypomania or mania or mixed? God forbid could I just be headed for euthymic? Really? Is it possible that after months of shit that …

Awareness

Sometimes Bipolar Disorder looks like this successful girl. Or this fuzzy one: Or this laughing one: Or this celebratory one: Or this one lost in thought: Or this adventurous solitary traveling one: Or this younger one: Whatever she looks like, she is NOT her illness. She is not violent or scary. She is not an …

Breakthroughs

The last couple of days have been kind of monumental. I'm not manic before anyone thinks that... I just have had some time to reflect and think and I have come to some startling realizations. Not only did I figure out that I don't have to go to the hospital just because I have intense …

Only

I am an only child. I think that has impacted me in several ways, but rarely in the ways people think. My early childhood was not really as Solitary as people seem to expect it might have been.  My Father was a child a heart and was a continual presence in my life until I …