Beginning

This requires a TW: SUICIDE This is also LONG. I realized I have yet to tell my "diagnosis story" with any kind of detail. Here goes. I think I really started showing symptoms by age 11 or 12. I can remember crying at night with my Mom for no reason. I blamed family members, I …

Restless and anxious

I don’t know why I am those things. I just am. I’m also tired, which could be part of it I guess. I decided to take my night meds early because I was feeling so weird. Hopefully they help me relax and sleep. I could read I guess. I don’t really feel like doing much …

At the bar…

...but I’m drinking water for a change and eating a half salad. With chicken. I’m trying. Tw: eating disorder I realized I had only eaten a hard boiled egg today and it was five o’clock, so I needed to eat something a little more substantial. I also wanted to be around people other than my …

Getting over it

I’m getting my crown back one day at a time. Do I think the new med is helping with that? Definitely. Am I silly enough to think that 2mg of anything is powerful enough to change my life and turn things around all by itself? Not a chance. Someone I respect pointed out that there’s …

A size down!

Tw: eating disorder I went to my dresser this morning and thought I’d try my jeans in the next size down since I’ve lost almost 20 lbs. They fit! I’m so excited. These jeans are much lighter fabric so they are better for summer. I’ll be in them for a while because they are stretchy …

Cycle

It’s scary how many times I’ve been here before. Bruised, bloody, beaten. Pieces of my heart scattered over the floor. Balancing the tightrope between life and death. “I can’t continue anymore.” Yet, something strange happens every time deep within my core. I crawl, stumble stagger and wobble until suddenly I soar. Older original art by …

‘Tis the season

It seems like everyone I know is on the strugglebus lately. I mean, I have been for a month and a half and I am just starting to see the light at the end of that tunnel. One of my very best friends went inpatient last week and is finally doing well enough to come …

What I wish…

https://youtu.be/p446BgZJrcg ...I was able to tell myself. I’m not good at cheerleading myself, but I know this is what people who do it for me would say.

I went shopping!

Shhh. I just went shopping and bought some new clothes. Haven’t I done that a lot lately you ask? Why yes, yes I have. Thankfully my mother is supporting my habit. I wanted a denim jacket and another sundress like I bought when I was on vacay. They are more on sale now. I also …

Scheduling for Sanity

I pulled this bad boy out from under a pile of crap in my room and started using it. I do have a calendar on my phone where I keep all of my appointments, but I realized that I need to also schedule times for self care and other activities. Sitting around most days doing …

Went to church…

...-and I won’t lie. I almost cried through worship and half of the sermon. I was feeling so much shame for not having been there, it was hard to sit still. I almost made a break for the bathroom. Then, I started to try to really focus on the sermon and things started to calm …