Beginning

This requires a TW: SUICIDE This is also LONG. I realized I have yet to tell my "diagnosis story" with any kind of detail. Here goes. I think I really started showing symptoms by age 11 or 12. I can remember crying at night with my Mom for no reason. I blamed family members, I …

Care…

I used to do my nails every 14-21 days like clockwork. They always had a color on them. Somewhere down the line I stopped doing them and then I lost a lot of my nail stuff, (I still have zero idea where it is). My mom got me this pretty sparkly polish and a base/top …

Hair!!!!

I got my hair chopped off in celebration of my impeding 40's. It was time. It was all dead at the ends. I needed a big change. I would have probably done it myself, so it's a good thing I had a hair appointment... I am trying to improve. I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm trying …

Song

https://youtu.be/zABLecsR5UE

Eventful

Everything just hit critical mass last night. I had changed my situation, spent the day with people doing fun things, and I felt even worse. I just didn't think I could hold out any longer. I took myself to ER after consultation with a provider. Ultimately, everyone, (including me), decided the hospital was not the …

Lights

We went downtown to see the lights and go to a movie, (we're waiting for the movie to start). I was going to drink myself into oblivion, but I decided not to. Mostly because the bars are packed and dealing with that many people seemed overwhelming. I wish I could say it was because I …

Dressed

Here's me dressed up with a full face of makeup on ready to go out with a friend. We're going "downtown" so I had to look presentable. It meant getting some new makeup since I can't find my old stuff, (that's how long it's been since I wore any). I couldn't muster a real smile. …

Breakdown

⚠️ Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts... I finally had a breakdown a couple of days ago. Everything in my life was too overwhelming. I couldn't take it anymore. I fantasized about driving somewhere and disappearing... I honestly almost did that. I saw trees that looked inviting. Everywhere I looked it seemed like I could find …

Currently

https://youtu.be/dTAAsCNK7RA I feel like this. Not that I feel upbeat, just "here it goes again." The treadmills are an excellent representation as well. Back to therapy this morning. I have no idea what I want or need to talk about. There are so many things. It looks like my friend's cancer is back. I am …

December

https://youtu.be/5gZrYyi-XRQ I love this song. It's a little sad, but it sort of reflects how I feel about the holidays. I have all of these awesome memories, but things just aren't the same. I don't know. December is Christmas and New Year and also my birthday month. I used to think people who whined about …

Realities

I had a chance to see two old friends last night. They were friends that I've had since I was in my first undergraduate program and I missed them terribly because they both live a fair distance away. They both have kids, (or more kids and vastly more grown up kids), and it was great …