Beginning

This requires a TW: SUICIDE This is also LONG. I realized I have yet to tell my "diagnosis story" with any kind of detail. Here goes. I think I really started showing symptoms by age 11 or 12. I can remember crying at night with my Mom for no reason. I blamed family members, I …

Deinstitutionalization

When JFK signed the Community Mental Health Act in 1963, I don't think the current system, as it functions now, is what he had in mind. I use the word "functions" loosely. The ideas were lofty and well-intentioned: get people out of state-run institutions and back into their communities where they could be with family, friends …

Dismayed

Scrolling through the mental-health tag here makes me sad. So many people are suffering.  Why are there so many blogs devoted to pain and anguish when we are still shoved into the shadows? 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental illness this year. 25%. That's a higher incidence of almost every other kind of …

Poetry #2

A quick trite poem on my light switch flip from "mixed" (for months) to "depressed" today: Storm Damage The Storm Clouds swirled in like they always do, their ferocity catching me dumb and unprepared. The Air grew heavy like it always does, pressing on my body and making every minuscule movement an excruciating exercise in …

Hindenburg

My mood is crashing like the Hindenburg. Just over a third of the total number of people on that ship didn't make it from that crash. The odds of surviving bipolar disorder are slightly better, but by the time you figure it the reduced life-span due to other health factors etc, the outlook is fairly …

Clock

...tick...tock... Time is moving so slowly. Friday needs to just get here. I have a DBT assessment on Friday and I am feeling all kinds of terrified, curious, frustrated, extorted, and anxious.  I mostly am just anxious though. I hate that it is on Friday. Every hour is passing like dripping molasses off of a …

Ants

As in "ants in my pants." I am squirrelly this morning. Have a dentist appointment, which is always a lot of anxiety for me, and I got maybe just over three hours of sleep.  I feel restless and edgy. I'm hoping it's not the meds doing this because that would serve me right, but I …

Panic

When I start feeling the panic attack hit during large group, I know it's time to bail for a bit.  I love this group. I don't even understand what's wrong.  I have to force myself back in there soon. Some kind of opposite action I guess. I want to crawl out of my skin. Breathe.  …

Poetry #1

I'm going to try to share my crappy poetry here. This one is a little "Dr. Seuss." It just flew out that way. Rough and unpolished, it is what it is. It's therapeutic and takes less effort than an art project right now.  Fear Like the trash compactor in that famous scene of Star Wars …

Kids

While I've made the decision for various reasons not to have any children of my own, I have to say that children light up my world.  Spending time with my cousin's oldest today, still a toddler, brought joy to my heart in the purest form. She calls me her "aunt" because her mother and I …

Confession

I told my case manager that there has been weird paranoia stuff. She said I need to trust her. I really really really hope I can trust her not to flip out with this. I told her that.  It's not that I am losing touch with reality. I'm fully aware of how ridiculous I am …