Beginning

This requires a TW: SUICIDE This is also LONG. I realized I have yet to tell my "diagnosis story" with any kind of detail. Here goes. I think I really started showing symptoms by age 11 or 12. I can remember crying at night with my Mom for no reason. I blamed family members, I …

Booked

I went to my support group... for a hot second. I didn't really want to participate in the large group tonight because the topic was really, "what should we do for topics in the future?" and I was experiencing ridiculous anxiety so sitting through that wasn't exactly going to distract me. I brought my journal …

Blow

You guys, I actually blow dried my hair today! Who knew that was a thing? I never do that. It looks a lot better than when I let it air dry and it's all stringy. Just another form of self care I suppose. It doesn't look as nice as when my stylist does it, but …

Bumble

I'm just busy like a little bumble bee. I kind of don't want to be. I slept like crap. Nightmares and the whole bit. I kept waking up. My car is a disgusting mess. I have an appointment today. I have to pick up my stepdad from the car dealership since he has to get …

Yay!

I did it! I finished the orientation thingie for grad school! Yay!!!!!!!!! It was a simple thing, but it was a hurdle. I got it done. There's so much going on and I got it done. It's not great. It wasn't probably my best work, although I'm not sure how I would have honestly answered …

Vodka…

...and some nights you just need cheap vodka. I never really drink, so whatever, but tonight I just did. One drink. Okay, it was probably more like two since I poured it, but again, whatever. I didn't go to the bar and get smashed, which is what I want to do. I have church tomorrow, …

Painting

I decided, since I'm sad, that I'm going to try painting. I got an acrylic paint set and some canvases and I'm going to see what kind of mess I can make. I am not okay. The depression is overwhelming. It's partly due to my own decisions and partly due to my brain. I am …

Quiet

When it's silent around me, I go crazy. I hate it when I'm by myself and there's no hubbub happening. I can't think. When I was an undergrad, I lived alone much of the time, but the television was always on for noise, or I was simply not there. I studied most frequently in the …

London

I keep dreaming that I'm in London. Last night, it was a nightmare, but it was still set in London. It's so weird. I've been there several times, but it's been since the 90's. It's a beautifully awesome place. I don't know why I keep dreaming I'm there. I also don't know why I'm having …

Feelings

I couldn't find a more accurate picture to describe how I feel this evening. I mean, I ate a bowl full of chocolate chips instead of drinking a bottle of wine, but whatever. If I had a bottle of wine, I probably would have drank it. I don't really understand where this wave of depression …

Bombing

My mood is bottoming out. I don't know why. It just crashed this afternoon and I feel like total crap. I thought it was anxiety and so I took my anxiety meds, but that didn't really do anything to help. I'm still miserable. I know I have to just somehow ride this out, but I …