Void

I hate these big empty time slots in my days. It gives me too much time to sit and think. I try to think about happy things, but my brain is just short-circuiting at the moment. I wish I were a tv person. I used to be. I'm not even really sure when I stopped …

Goals: 3/31

I have two goals today. One is concrete, the other sort of more indefinite. First, I need to drag my butt off of my bed and get on the treadmill. It's just cold in my house and I don't want to move. I'm also feeling mucho sorry for myself today. Second, I need to stay …

Packing

I helped my cousin pack up my grandma's china for safekeeping today. She spontaneously sold her hutch in anticipation of moving to Florida next month, so it was sort of an emergency operation. We took care of it relatively quickly even though both girls were awake, (they are aged 1 and 3), and I was …

Episodes

Like the accuracy of a tornado Warning, I can sometimes predict when an episode might strike, but almost never the severity or the swath of wreckage it will leave in its wake. I tried to tell my last prescriber that I was terrified of this depression coming after my last hypomanic episode, but she blew …

Heartbroken

My cousin is moving to Florida. The one that has the two little girls that I call my nieces. I am devastated. I don't know that a word actually exists for how I feel about it. I hope it's everything she wants it to be and that she is happy and her family does well …

Reasons

Sometimes when things are super rough it's important to document why you are still inhabiting the planet. I'm choosing to make a list in no particular order. My family My friends Providers My faith Plans for the future Contagion Responsibility Hope It's kind of a short list right now, and hope is kind of last …

Phhhht

Ever just have one of those days where you find yourself making that exasperated sound all of the time? Yeah, that's been me for a couple of weeks. Argh I so want to be on the other side of this episode I can't even tell you. I feel like it's quicksand and fighting it is …

Careful

I was nine when my Mom told me my parents were getting divorced. I remember it was a sunny day because the sun was pouring in through my bedroom windows and my bed was shoved up against the West wall of my room at the time. This memory is burned into my retinas and into …

Goals: 3/30

I'm attempting this today. I'm not sure how many of these things I will actually get to, but I'm trying to choose SMART goals, so we'll see. (For those of you who don't know, SMART stands for: Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic Time-limited) I try to always choose my goals for my "goals" posts that way. …

World Bipolar Day

Apparently today is World Bipolar Day. I find these things out from twitter. I am glad such a day exists because it helps raise awareness about a still oft stigmatized brain disorder. Maybe it will reach some people, or maybe it will just make some other people feel less alone. Either way, it is a …