I’m unclear…

…as to what my purpose is. Not in an, “I don’t belong here anymore” kind of way, just in an “existential crisis” kind of way. I honestly have no idea what God or the universe has planned for me. It’s getting old. I’m getting old. For real. I have friends that have grandkids. I don’t …

Day 2986

I seriously cannot tell you how discouraging it is to still be throwing up after being out of the hospital for four days. I can’t even hold water down this morning. It’s really annoying. I don’t want to go back to the hospital, so I’m just staying put. I decided that I need to go …

Home.

I’m out of the hospital, finally. I still feel kind of terrible if I’m honest. I am so thirsty and I can’t seem to make the pain in my side calm down. I was on iv fluids until this morning, so now that I’m responsible for hydrating myself, I’m not doing quite as good of …

Going home today?????

I might be leaving the hospital today! I don’t know how I feel about that honestly. I mean, I’m over being here and ready to be in my own bed. At the same time, I appreciate being able to get nausea meds via IV so… it’s a trade off. I’m just tired of feeling sick. …

It’s official…

…I hate everything. I am sick. I’m tired of being in the hospital. I keep throwing up and being in pain. I am uncomfortable and angry and lonely. I am sad. I am tired. I just ate too much food trying to get the doctor off my back so he wouldn’t order a feeding tube. …

Well, I wasn’t wrong…

The doctor basically said, “why are you here?” and handed me some nausea meds and basic pain meds. He thinks I need to deal with my PCP, (whom I can’t EVER see), or my specialist, (whom is even HARDER to see). This is bonkers. I feel like crap: emotionally, physically… all of it. Sooo…. Yeah. …

Thank goodness…

…I slept last night! I was so worried that I wouldn’t because I didn’t sleep the night before at all. It’s not like me to go without sleep, even when I’m manic, so I was concerned. I do not have time for a manic episode right now, (who does?) so I was so grateful to …

Is it or isn’t it?

I’m trying to decide if this pain in my side is just me being ridiculous, or if it’s my pancreas acting up again. I hate this. I literally live in fear of my own body. Thankfully, my pancreatic specialist put in a standing order for a lab so I can get that enzyme checked when …

Still awake…

…and I’m not loving it. I am trying to shut my stupid brain off. It’s going in dark circles. Also, for some reason it thinks I need to be up creating art for some reason. I don’t have a clear idea on what I want to create, so I haven’t gone into the other room …

Oh for goodness sake

It’s 2 am and I am awake. I fell asleep around 9, so I’m not sure what the problem is with my brain. I need sleep. I want to go to church in the morning, but I mean, I can’t go if I am snoring in my chair. This thing? This thing where I wake …