Breakdown

⚠️ Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts... I finally had a breakdown a couple of days ago. Everything in my life was too overwhelming. I couldn't take it anymore. I fantasized about driving somewhere and disappearing... I honestly almost did that. I saw trees that looked inviting. Everywhere I looked it seemed like I could find …

December

https://youtu.be/5gZrYyi-XRQ I love this song. It's a little sad, but it sort of reflects how I feel about the holidays. I have all of these awesome memories, but things just aren't the same. I don't know. December is Christmas and New Year and also my birthday month. I used to think people who whined about …

Realities

I had a chance to see two old friends last night. They were friends that I've had since I was in my first undergraduate program and I missed them terribly because they both live a fair distance away. They both have kids, (or more kids and vastly more grown up kids), and it was great …

Fighter

I'm not really one to give up. I know I can become overwhelmed, and I know it seems like it doesn't take a lot for me to become hopeless, but I'm a fighter at heart. I forget that. Daily. I get lost in the minutiae of depression and forget who I am. I am the …

Nightmares

I had nightmares last night and woke up hysterical. It took me a solid hour to calm down. I am not really a fan. I can't tell you all that I dreamed about at this point, thankfully I have forgotten most of it, I just know they were bad and scared me. I hate when …

Quiet…

I've been quiet for a couple of days which I know is not the best idea for a blogger. My great-aunt passed away and it made me miss my grandma even more than usual. Tomorrow also would have been one of my best friend's 60th birthday. He died, for those who don't know, of a …

Pieces

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall... Feeling like that proverbial egg this morning. Actually, I've been feeling like him a lot lately. ...And all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty together again. I just can't seem to get my crap in gear. I am super worried about trying to get …

Uncertain

I have to be honest. I talk a good game, but I have no idea if I'm ready to go back to work. The closer the reality of that gets, the more I'm like... nah. I can't do that. I'm not really worried about school. Maybe because it's far enough away. Work though... woah. I …

Leaves!

It's fall and there are leaves everywhere! I saw a meme about how trees drop their leaves and go through cycles of rebirth and so do we and I thought it was poetic. My case manager has me set for graduation from case management sometime in the spring and I hope I'm ready. I'm really …

Clear

So my CT was clear. That's a good thing. The only frustrating thing is that I don't have a clear reason as to why I'm in so much pain. Right now I just look like I'm making it up. Awesome. I'm not, and it's not in my head. I've had pain intermittently in the same …