Grieving.

I already posted about this today, but I'm fighting feelings of grief. Today was the last official meeting with my case manager, (even though I will see her through this pandemic situation virtually until we can properly "close" in person). It seems silly really that what is now really an arbitrary date is bugging me …

End….

It was inevitable. I had to have my last "real" appointment with my case manager. Ugh. I am trying to be cool about it. She is going to stay in contact with me through this lockdown and liaise with my other providers as necessary, so I still get to see her, it just won't be …

Charting…

So I'm back to mood charting. Yay. I had quit because, honestly, my moods were following the same pattern every month and it didn't really make sense anymore. It doesn't really make sense in terms of mood now because it's pretty much flatlined depressed, but I can keep track of physical health, meds, etc. and …

Day 8

Or day 98736363637828. Whatever. I need a shower. I need to do laundry. What am I doing? Laying in bed. I can't move. I'm trying. I was supposed to come up with more skills or some ways to help myself. For real though, I can't. I can't focus long enough to do that. My anxiety …

Not….

...only have I been a good girl and stayed home today, (well except for a quick run in my car to grab dinner), I've spend 95% of the day in bed. I accomplished exactly zero things today. I need to work on some mental health homework type things, but I seriously lack the motivation to …

Day 7

Apparently we are locked down until the end of April now. Fantastic. I struggled really hard yesterday with self harm ideation. I mean, I haven't really ever had it be that bad or that intense before and not really since my teen years so it was kind of an awful and terrible byproduct of everything …

Day 6

The crocuses are coming out in the backyard! I'm trying to find the beauty in the little patch of life that I'm afforded. Apparently, the police here, if they come to your house, will harass anyone that doesn't have a license with the address of the residence on it. Now, that's not what the governor's …

Mother…

Actual image of me dealing with my mom... Ugh. Don't get me wrong. I'm blessed to have my mom and I love her to death. Sometimes though, she drives me nuts. The social security court appointed her as my representative payee for my social security funds. Somehow she thinks this makes her lord over ALL …

Day 5

Ugh. Are we only on day 5 of this statewide lockdown? I slept in today because, even though I woke up earlier, I didn't want to get up and face the day. I also got woken up in the middle of the night by a thunder storm, (which I'm afraid of), and so I lost …

Run…

I want to run away... ...except there's nowhere to run to. I would take someone with me. I mean, I'm in the best place imaginable right now with the best person imaginable so I don't know what my issue is other than the loss of control. I am fighting to stay grounded. I'm losing. I'm …