ANOTHER disability?

Okay. So. It wasn’t fun to accept that I had a mental illness and that it was going to profoundly disrupt my life.

At the same time, by the time I realized that, I was in my late twenties and had been living with that mental illness since my early teens. It wasn’t an entirely new concept.

I didn’t love it, but it wasn’t foreign and I had already sort of come to terms with at least the diagnosis, treatment, and lifestyle changes that were going to be required.

It wasn’t such a huge loss to grieve.

It was also something that kind of still felt within my control in a way since it was my brain. That seems ridiculous as I type it because I know I don’t control the mental illness I have anymore than I control my physical illness. I just felt like I did.

Anyway, I have been struggling with chronic relapsing pancreatitis for six years. I have not accepted it as a new disability. I need to.

It is horrifically disruptive.

I am in the hospital every three to four weeks for three to seven days.

It is a nightmare.

That doesn’t even count the er visits in between.

I can barely make plans or schedule things with any certainty because I never know if I will be in the hospital or not.

I really need to come to terms with this.

It is a disability. It does profoundly impact my life and is starting to impact the lives of those closest to me.

I can’t blissfully ignore this any longer.

It’s been six years. It’s not going away. No one knows why this is happening so they can’t make it stop.

I need to drastically change my lifestyle, once again, to accommodate this illness.

I have been living as though it doesn’t matter and as though it just happens and then I can just return to my life. Except, it is my life. I can’t escape it.

I don’t want to change my diet dramatically or start an exercise program. Mostly because I have a latent eating disorder that I’m very worried about becoming active if I do those things. I become militant about diets and exercise once I start them. I have to find the middle ground somewhere and I am not sure I can do that…

I have to though. I have to or I will stay on this hamster wheel. I might anyway. At least my body will be healthier to fight.

I just am struggling with accepting this as my new normal. That also sounds ridiculous because I’ve been doing this for six years.

I just have been coasting.

I have to accept that this is my life.

It makes me really sad.

I was prepared to have one disability. I really wasn’t down for two.

Old original art by me.