Breaking the rules…

Tw for discussion of eating disordered behavior

I don’t feel like I’m close enough to any of my psych providers that I “owe” them.

It’s gonna be a real problem.

I mean, maybe my therapist, but she hasn’t asked anything of me and it would depend entirely upon what she asked I guess.

My psych asked me to make three promises. The way she asked or the way she went about it was super triggering and I am not sure why, but it didn’t work.

I purged my lunch this afternoon, and that was one of the promises she asked that I make. That I not do that until I saw her again.

I didn’t do that really, though I had urges to, through the whole 100lb loss last time, so it feels like an escalation in my eating disorder.

I don’t really want to go down that road because my teeth are already crap and I know all of the bad things that can happen to me if I do, but the urge was SO strong. I couldn’t fight it.

I do feel really guilty. My psych is really nice. She said she believed me when I said I’d try. She said that usually means I’ll “do,” and it does, but not this time.

I don’t know. Now I feel guilty and like a POS and fat.

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