Madness

This post is from early June. I think it’s telling how far I’ve come in just six months. This summer was terrifying, and it’s humbling to know that this illness can take me back at any time, but it’s also empowering to know that I have new skills and tools to deal with recovering from this place if it ever happens again. I am not making a “resolution “ this year in the way that most people do. I am not resolving to lose weight or spend less money on frivolous things, (both worthy goals), but instead I am just going to work on continuing on my path towards recovery. As dirty and bumpy and hard as that can be, I can taste it and I want it for myself. Some version of “better.” Some life that I own instead of my illness owning me. That’s what I want in the new year. One step closer to that.

Image from Pixabay

This Girl's Got Curves

When does quirkily mentally ill turn into madness?

Somewhere around where I am now.

My thoughts are flying. They are coming so fast, so many at a time, and so loudly (but not as voices), that I can’t keep up with them. It’s just kind of this blurry swirling tornado of thoughts that keep bombarding me. I am almost undone by it.

Blasting loud music kind of keeps it at bay a bit, the art helps, but nothing is really providing much relief.

Sleep is getting harder and harder to come by. Last night was less than 4 hours and I am not even tired.

Now the mild paranoia is starting. I’m also starting to see shadows out of the corners my eye.

Unfortunately, my current treatment team has not seen me like this before so they don’t know that this can happen to me. It’s a rare event. I…

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