Therapy was so helpful today

I am so glad I had therapy today. I talked to her about being in the hospital and how I basically just disassociated to survive being in there. She was glad I got out when I did because she agreed with me that I probably would have just gotten worse had I stayed in there. …

Diagnosis: Mixed

I just realized today that the psychiatrist at the hospital diagnosed me as being in a severe mixed episode without psychotic features. Seriously. That man does not know what a mixed episode looks like I promise. I am not mixed. I know when I am mixed. I am absolutely miserable when I am that way …

Questionable today…

I woke up tired. I hate that. I had dreams all night long because I’m really anxious about therapy today. Not only do I have to eat something triggering with her, I also have to talk to her about how I am afraid to call coaching now. I know one of her staff from a …

Awake for two days…

Except for a couple of naps, I’ve been awake for two days. I don’t really know what has brought this change. I’m not sure if it’s the change in weather or a delayed reaction to daylight saving time… I just know it’s miserable. I don’t feel particularly manic, but I mean, I can see some …

All-nighter

I can’t find the “off” switch. I’ve been awake since 10:30 a.m. yesterday and it’s nearly 1:00 p.m. now. I am tired, but not sleepy. I think I can count the number of times I have been able to stay up all night long, (even when manic), on less than one hand. I am kind …

Still awake…

…and I’m so excited about it! Just kidding. It’s 4 a.m. here and I cannot get to sleep. I’m very frustrated. I have therapy today so I need to get some sleep before that. I am completely useless without sleep and I don’t want lack of sleep to sort of occlude the real issues going …

Can’t stop the racing thoughts…

…and it’s super annoying. Why are my thoughts racing when I’m horrifically depressed? I’m assuming it’s some kind of mixed depression thing. I’m also having a hard time sleeping most nights. Then sometimes I sleep so much I can’t get myself to wake up when I need to. So who knows? I just know that …

Taking a day.

Taking a day to put out fires and just relax. I’m thinking seriously about what my next steps are. Maybe I can do this grad program with a little bit of work on myself. Maybe I can’t. Maybe I can work a little job to start. Maybe I can’t. In any case, I’m just gonna …

I have no words

I mean, clearly I do or I wouldn’t be writing, but it’s very hard. I was flying so high yesterday after days of inadequate sleep and at the same time horrifically depressed and scared that I went to the local emergency room. I seriously probably just needed someone to come chill and talk to me, …

Not only…

…do I have to take this furball to her well check vet visit in five hours, I have to meet with my professor later this afternoon on zoom to discuss my incomplete. I have zero clues how I am going to appear sane doing that. He will know something is wrong. I am not prepared …