So stressed…

I’m so stressed I’m stress eating. This is from the other day, but I ate a large strawberry frosty from Wendy’s. Seriously. Now, the thing was amazing, but that’s kind of not the point. I’m trying to lose weight, not gain it. Stress eating is not my best look. I just can’t cope with trying …

Crash and burn

What goes up, must come down. My fun hypomanic episode has come to an end. It had to of course, but I’m seriously bummed. I hate depression. The hopelessness and the feeling that it’s never going to end, even though I know realistically that it will. I’m just tired of the ride. People say that …

What a goat rodeo…

Okay, some of you may have noticed my blog went dark on Friday. I went inpatient for my eating disorder. Ostensibly. Unfortunately, because of the way the system works, (or doesn’t), I got placed on a psych ward and didn’t see a dietician until today. I also didn’t see a case manager until today. I …

I have the best providers…

…because they are so patient with me and don’t fire me even when I am a total idiot. I saw my dietican today and she is literally the nicest person. I really like her. My therapist is also a sweetheart. Even my psych is a nice person and genuinely cares about me, even when I …

Five years!!!!!

I can’t believe I have had this blog for five years!!!! Five years of rambling and wandering. Thanks for joining me on the ride whether you are new here or old. I love you all!!!

I ate breakfast…

Trigger warning ⚠️ for eating disorder ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ I had oatmeal at the restaurant for breakfast. It was the only heathy(ish) thing on the menu. I put like a tiny splash of milk and probably a teaspoon of brown sugar in it to make it edible, but I didn’t get all of that because I didn’t …

Kind of not okay today…

I don’t know that “feeling better” is worth feeling like crap. I feel like a mess and I’m loopy and tired and sad. It’s like all of my defense mechanisms have been stripped away and I’m left with “crappy.” I have just been laying here crying all afternoon. I took the stupid med again because, …

Trauma response…

…to taking a new med. Yes, I know. Seems a little overboard. The thing to know is that so many meds have sent me to the emergency room with really awful reactions that I was terrified this one would as well. Turns out it just made me sleepy and a little flat. It might have …

Forgiveness

…and why I need to learn to offer it to myself. I have written about it here before and I am not going to rehash details, but I was in a borderline emotionally abusive relationship. I have a lot of feelings about it. Mostly, I am angry with myself for not ending it sooner. I …

Okay so I took the new med…

…and we’ll see what it does to me. I swear if I end up in the emergency room on a Friday night because of it I will be so very angry. I expect it will knock me out. Whatever. It better make the depression go away. That’s seriously all I know. I’m honestly trying not …