Trying to be okay

I am on the struggle bus today.

My hair is terrible because our hot water heater has been down for a couple of days, (the guys are here now replacing it).

I have been trying to keep it together for my mom and my stepdad because they are stressed out and it’s hard on them when I’m not okay.

I just don’t feel like myself.

I’m so stressed. First it was my friend. Then the hot water heater. Then I had to help find the thc tincture that my mom uses, (yes we have medical/recreational marijuana in Michigan), to help with her pain. I’m going to be in charge of taking care of my mom while my stepdad goes and gets that from a few towns away because that was the nearest place I could find what she needed.

Meanwhile, I have a dietican appointment today and I have been eating crap. Just total crap. Take out and fast food, you name it. I’m afraid to get on the scale because I know I’ve gained weight and I don’t want to see what it says.

I am so disappointed in myself. I’m so upset by it. Honestly. There has just been so much going on that I haven’t been able to keep up with being healthy and that really bothers me.

Like really bothers me.

So yeah.

I really don’t want to go today. At all. I don’t want to talk about food. I think because when I’m in survival mode, I don’t think so much about what I’m eating, but when I’m able to focus on that more I’m weirdly in a better place? I don’t know. It’s strange.

Everything feels totally out of control. Everything.

I hate it.

Anyway, just need to hold it together.

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