Give me an “A”!

I am so freaking anxious.

I don’t and I do know why I guess.

I mean, I’m supposed to take my friend to an eye appointment that is two hours away on Friday and I’m not looking forward to it because I’m worried that the drive will exacerbate the issues I’m having with my pancreas.

I know that sounds weird, but sometimes being hunched over, or bent, like I am in the car for long periods of time makes it hurt worse.

I’m not certain two hours will do it, and I mean, I’ll get to get up and walk around once we get there so it’s not so terrible, I just am worried about it.

It’s also a long day for me and I worry about food and what I’m going to eat because it’s not like I can really drive through McDonald’s anymore and grab a quick lunch. I have to be so much more thoughtful about my meals and I can’t eat very much at one time and I have to eat more often because of that… it’s just a mess.

Again, doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, but I’ve been getting light headed and weird because I can’t nourish myself appropriately so… it’s kind of a problem. Road trips are not exactly easy to plan. 

Anyway, I’m worried about that.

I’m also worried about my psych appointment.

I made that two weeks ago when I was absolutely hysterical about being in chronic pain from the pancreatitis.

I’ve sort of broken the pain cycle now by eating nonfat foods and working with my dietican, but my mood has kind of taken a hit. I’m not sure if she, (my psych), is going to be willing to help me with that or say it’s situational and tell me to work with my therapist.

I have been working really hard with my therapist though and it’s not really about that at this point. First, living in fear of pain is no joke. Second, there’s a lot of grief in having to make all of these lifestyle changes. Third, my brain is not getting all it needs nutritionally to function and I can’t do anything about that really without being in extreme pain. Fourth, last time we were holding off to see what my docs said about my liver and stuff and that is resolved so… I feel like my psych can jump in now. I don’t know. I just feel like it’s her turn to do something.

It’s always terrifying for me to contemplate med changes/additions/adjustments though because I’m kind of stable and I do so poorly on most psych meds.

I am just anxious.

Like sky high anxiety.

I guess I just need to rest.

Older original art by me.

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