Just a day

It’s a day like any other I guess. The only real difference is I’m laying here crying and afraid.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about this pancreatitis thing.

I’m terrified.

I literally can’t eat without being in pain and sometimes being in pain so bad that I just can’t take it.

I managed to get down a can of vegetarian vegetable soup and a banana last night after not eating all day.

So far today, (it’s noon), I’ve eaten two bananas.

I am completely afraid to eat. It’s not even like when my eating disorder is active, although I’m also terrified ED is gonna get in my way here as well.

I don’t know.

I just feel paralyzed with fear.

The pain is so much when it comes.

My mood is absolute crap. I am just playing out my future here and it doesn’t look so great.

I’m trying to be mindful and take it one moment at a time, but it’s really hard to do that.

Ugh.

I called my psych and begged for an earlier appointment because my next one isn’t until the end of January. I have to wait to hear back.

It’s just a mess. At least my dietician is getting me in Wednesday.

This sucks.

7 thoughts on “Just a day

  1. I know the misery and suffering of the body on a daily basis and into the night. It’s definitely an affliction with no mercy and I would call it persecution. I also know that holding to the name of Jesus will be worth it all, regardless of what I’m put through now. I feel for you, you are not alone, and you are loved.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry. Sick is bad enough without it being triggering. Does the BRAT diet work for pancreatitis? Bananas, rice, applesauce, toast. I followed it when I was dealing with a kidney infection that wouldn’t quit. It’s protein light – I added scrambled eggs periodically. Doctors, I find, don’t attend to the complications that stomach and digestive issues can bring to our eating disorders and recovery work.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have been living on bananas! I am not sure about the rest of the BRAT diet, but it probably would. I am terrified of eggs at this point due to the fat content. I ate a tiny bit of chicken tonight w broccoli and a little mashed potatoes, but immediately had to go to the bathroom. (Not to throw up). So… I am just struggling. Staying hydrated is an issue too (partly because of aforementioned issues). I am just really frustrated. Thanks for the kind words. I meet with my ED specialist dietician Wednesday so hopefully she can help.

      Liked by 1 person

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