Honestly, I have hit the wall…

…of the amount of pain that I can be in and still keep a brave face.

I went back to the stupid emergency room today because I had to use the double dose of pain meds three times and my doctor said if I had to do that then I had to go in.

I didn’t want to go, but I also didn’t want to be a noncompliant patient when it came to pain meds so…

I was so sick.

I am so sick.

They didn’t keep me, but they did give me fluids and and nausea and pain meds and try to calm things down.

I mean, it sort of helped.

I don’t really feel better now though. I still feel wretched.

I am done with the “good little soldier” thing around my friends and family. I am done trying to pretend that I am not in pain to make everyone else more comfortable.

I just can’t.

I had a total meltdown in the ER. I just started sobbing on my nurse. I felt so bad. I just wanted her to know that I wasn’t there “drug seeking” and that I was actually really miserable and I needed help.

I hate that people use the hospital for that and that I even think that way.

I am just so freaking sick. I don’t know when this is going to stop or when I am going to be done feeling angry and overwhelmed, but I’m glad I have therapy on Tuesday. For real.

Image from Pexels.


2 thoughts on “Honestly, I have hit the wall…

    1. Thank you! Yes, being sick is the worst. While I do not think of myself as a “victim” of my mental illness, I do think it is rather disruptive of my life. That said, this pancreatitis thing has completely trumped that in terms of how much impact it has on my daily functioning. It’s awful.


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