Not numb, just scared

I have no idea what I want to be when I “grow up.”

I’m having a mid life crisis.

I just feel lost.

I thought I wanted to be a social worker or counselor, but I think that is too close to home or just something that I couldn’t do well so I don’t think I belong in that profession.

I am just at a loss for what I should be doing.

I could go the sciencey route and become a physicians assistant but that is a lot of science classes as prerequisites that I never took. Like two years of them. Same for nursing.

So… I don’t know.

I looked at healthcare administration, but they really prefer you have experience in healthcare. I don’t, except for a stint as a pharmacy technician decades ago.

I just feel lost.

I don’t really know what I should be doing. It’s a mess.

I’m so scared to lose my disability. I don’t even know that I can work.

I’m just terrified.

I hate this.

I don’t want to have to live on $800 a month for the rest of my life.

I also don’t want to lose the health access I have or access to services I might need.

I’m terrified.

I don’t know that I am capable. Other people believe in me. Maybe two people do.

I don’t know if that’s enough.

I am pretty sure I don’t. I don’t even know how to get to a place where I do. I’m so scared.

Image from Pexels.


4 thoughts on “Not numb, just scared

  1. I want desperately to work. Living in daily terror of losing disability income is hellish. Thing is,employers all want the same things. Stable and reliable. I am.not either of these things more than a couple months a year. So I could go working,lose insurance,and return to eviction and homelessness 7,8 months a year to prove I am capable. But telling an employer I am stable and thinking clearly atm is a lie so is that better than not working?
    Mental disabilities limit us,like it or not. Those limitations mean traditional work is near impossible. If the system provided help finding a job we could do despite our limitations without robbing us of mental healthcare,society might be surprised how many of us are willing to try to work.

    Liked by 1 person

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