Trigger warning ⚠️ eating disorders
I’ve started to go weekly now that I had that health scare.
I know she’s gonna be harder on me today than she has in previous weeks and I’m a little nervous.
She is literally the sweetest woman on the planet, so I’m not afraid of her, it’s just conflict I don’t like and I know I’m going to cry and I am just not ready for it.
I’m also not sure I’m ready to “recover.” I’m afraid if I tell her that she’ll fire me.
I mean, I’ve lost like a significant amount of weight so far and I’m not really enthusiastic about putting any back on.
I just really want to lose another 90 lbs. I know that’s crazy, but I’m that much overweight. That would still put me in the “overweight” category on the BMI chart, but be healthy for me.
I know my knees would feel better and I would feel better and I would look awesome.
I’m not trying to be Kate Moss or anything. Seriously.
I dunno. I see the cardiologist on Monday. I’m hoping he just says my pulse is fine for me and that it’s no big deal since my blood pressure is fine.
I don’t know.
I’m gonna have to start walking though. I know that. I need to get some exercise in to stay healthy.
So yeah. Just scared of what my dietican is gonna make me do.
I’m not super good at following her recommendations anyway.
I’ve been trying.
It’s really hard.
I feel like some of this comes out of depression too. Like most of the time I couldn’t care less if I feel me because I don’t care if I’m here so…
(NOT ACTIVELY SUICIDAL) Just passively.
So I think that has something to do with it.
Anyway, I just am stressing about this appointment in an hour.
Then I get to rush to a doctor’s appointment after that. So awesome. It’s not even with my doctor, it’s with someone else I’ve never met, so that won’t be awkward…
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