Trigger warning ⚠️ for eating disorders
I ate more than I usually do for dinner way earlier and I still feel sick.
I really wanted to purge. I can’t tell you how close I came. It doesn’t matter.
The point is, I ate it and I feel atrocious.
It was really just tomatoes and onions and a reasonably sized piece of meat and some green beans for a veggie, but I just feel overly full and sick.
I’m also terrified of what the scale will say tomorrow. Honestly. I mean, a pound up or something won’t devastate me, but a couple will start to upset me.
I know I shouldn’t be freaking out and I know I need fuel to function, but really. I also know I have to get on the damn scale at my doctor’s office soon and that is an issue.
They weigh me and then print my BMI right on the stupid page that they give me when I leave.
I am trying to want to change this behavior. I need to for my health.
I am scared of what happens if I keep going down this rabbit hole.
I am trying to find positive outlets.
It’s so hard.
Depression does not help this situation. At all.
I don’t even know how to get out there and meet people now. It’s like not really post-pandemic but it kind of is… I don’t know. It’s such a train wreck.
I just want to feel “normal.” And I don’t.
I don’t about the way I look or about how I feel or about how I live.
It’s just a mess.
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