I went to sleep at nine, but here I am at 2:30 a.m. wide awake.
I am struggling with sleep lately. I don’t know why.
Sometimes I do fine, other times I do this.
I think anxiety and depression are out of control to be honest. I am really struggling.
I don’t know why I can’t just chill.
I see my psych PA this week, thank goodness I guess, but I don’t know what she can really do with my meds, or what I even want her to do with my meds if I’m honest.
I mean, depression sucks, but I definitely don’t want some new med that makes me eat, and I don’t want some med that is going to cause some reaction. I’ve been down that road sooooo many times.
I would just like some quality of life. You know? I know I have to create some of that for myself, but I don’t know where to start.
I’ve been reaching out to the friends I have, but they have their own responsibilities and foibles as well, so it’s challenging.
In some ways, I miss the familiarity of pouring myself into someone else’s life. At least I didn’t have to worry about mine so much. Now that I’m back to worrying about mine, some of the stuff that was a problem then is a problem now.
Before I was in that “relationship,” I had significant eating disorder that was active and running my life. Now that I’m on my own again for real, that is coming back with a vengeance. I’m trying to moderate it by meeting with my dietitian and therapist and at least letting them know it’s a problem, but I know it already has a pretty good hold on me in just a few weeks.
I’ve been explaining a lot of it away by saying I was “sick.” I was actually so that’s not a lie. I’m still experiencing some symptoms and they are annoying. That said, they are nothing like they were a month ago.
Anyway, I am just frustrated that I am awake. It’s three in the morning now. I don’t want to turn the television on because that is just morning waiting to happen. At least my phone has a “dark mode.”
Sigh. Maybe I’ll get back to sleep.