Feeling introspective

I don’t know why I’m so nostalgic for my 20’s lately. I mean, I screwed a lot of stuff up then.

I was intoxicated through a lot of them and even briefly experimented with scarier things, so I mean… I was probably lucky just to come out alive.

The thing is, I don’t remember being depressed all of the stinking time back then. I really don’t remember it.

I don’t remember hating everything until really, I started pathologizing myself after I told my psychiatrist that I thought I was bipolar. She just agreed with me.

I feel like I’ve fried my brain with all of these psychotropic meds and, while I know I have to take them, I just really wonder what would have happened if I had asked more questions at the beginning. If I had not blindly trusted and been more inquisitive.

My body is addicted to the benzodiazepines I am prescribed and I can’t just stop those even if I wanted to. I’ve witnessed people close to me try to get off of theirs and it was a nightmare for them. No thank you.

I’m just tired of being mostly depressed. It’s where I live almost all of the time. I had to ask someone I trusted if they had ever seen me manic because I started questioning it.

It feels like I have been depressed forever. I know that isn’t true, but it feels like that.

I just don’t know how to climb out of this particular hole. It’s so deep. I’m just kind of screwed.

If I’m honest, this last relationship totally ruined me. I don’t really know how it started and I don’t really have good closure on the ending. My heart is shattered and I feel stuck. Like I can’t take any steps forward because I am really abandoning this person if I do. I already have. It’s just symbolic at this point. I just can’t get any momentum,

Anyway. Tomorrow is a new day. With new possibilities. Maybe I will be able to start something new then.

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