Dietican today…

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I have been struggling with food in a big way lately.

It may not look like I am someone who struggles with an eating disorder, at least not one with restriction, but I do.

Three or four years ago, (it’s actually a part of this blog), I lost a hundred pounds in an entirely unhealthy way and was totally celebrated for it (except by a couple mental health professionals who knew something was wrong).

I have been trying to think about why this is happening again now.

I mean clearly I don’t have a lot of control in my life and food is a means of control. I think it’s more complicated though.

I hate the way I look. Society does not accept “plus sized” people. I am not acceptable to many people.

I don’t feel lovable. Obviously my last relationship was not helpful towards making me feel that way. That person even told me I was fat.

I am just struggling to put food in my mouth. I hate it. I hate the way my stomach feels with food in it. I just want to get rid of it.

I haven’t yet, but I want to.

Anyway, things kind of suck. I don’t know what kind of goals we are going to set today, but I’m afraid of them.

I don’t know if I can do it.

I don’t know if I want to do it.

It’s so hard.

Image from Pexels.

2 thoughts on “Dietican today…

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