I am really tired. I took my meds already. Why am I still awake?
It’s a great question. I’m pretty sure the answer is that I just have too much on my mind.
I’m really happy my Dad is out of the hospital, but I know he has a long recovery road ahead of him. I desperately want to see him, but I know how my stepmom is about having a perfectly clean house before I come. I just feel like I’d be putting so much pressure on her, (and my dad in the process), to make things perfect for me, that I’d be more of a hinderance than helpful.
It really doesn’t matter that I communicate that it doesn’t have to be perfect either. It is a cultural thing and she would not be okay. I kind of hate it because it makes me feel like I am not family. I know she does it because she wants it to be perfect for me, which is wonderful, but I wish she’d not knock herself out just for me.
It just kind of puts up a barrier to me seeing my dad.
My mom is still having odd health issues that are inexplicable, though they are significantly less common, but I’m still concerned about her. I think a lot of her issues were a result of all of the medication she was on for various things and she has cut that down a lot. She seems to be doing better, but they are sending her to cardiology next to be sure.
One of my best friends is ill in a way that is confounding and upsetting and I don’t know really how to help. I just keep trying.
Other people in my life need prayer or help I can’t provide or have been out of touch so long that it is awkward now. I don’t know.
I just… I would really really like to have some positive things in my life.
I don’t know what those things are going to be. I can barely stand for longer than five minutes. I’ll get there though.
I’m just tired. Freaked out. Tired.
I just need to sleep. Really. I’m sure if I walk away from this and Facebook etc and just try to sleep it will happen.