I’m pretty sure I should just be sleeping

I am really tired. I took my meds already. Why am I still awake?

It’s a great question. I’m pretty sure the answer is that I just have too much on my mind.

I’m really happy my Dad is out of the hospital, but I know he has a long recovery road ahead of him. I desperately want to see him, but I know how my stepmom is about having a perfectly clean house before I come. I just feel like I’d be putting so much pressure on her, (and my dad in the process), to make things perfect for me, that I’d be more of a hinderance than helpful.

It really doesn’t matter that I communicate that it doesn’t have to be perfect either. It is a cultural thing and she would not be okay. I kind of hate it because it makes me feel like I am not family. I know she does it because she wants it to be perfect for me, which is wonderful, but I wish she’d not knock herself out just for me.

It just kind of puts up a barrier to me seeing my dad.

I’m worried.

My mom is still having odd health issues that are inexplicable, though they are significantly less common, but I’m still concerned about her. I think a lot of her issues were a result of all of the medication she was on for various things and she has cut that down a lot. She seems to be doing better, but they are sending her to cardiology next to be sure.

One of my best friends is ill in a way that is confounding and upsetting and I don’t know really how to help. I just keep trying.

Other people in my life need prayer or help I can’t provide or have been out of touch so long that it is awkward now. I don’t know.

I just… I would really really like to have some positive things in my life.

I don’t know what those things are going to be. I can barely stand for longer than five minutes. I’ll get there though.

I’m just tired. Freaked out. Tired.

I just need to sleep. Really. I’m sure if I walk away from this and Facebook etc and just try to sleep it will happen.


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