My friend calls me from the hospital every day and I don’t know what to say to her.
Tonight, she asked me how I was and I just finally told her I was anxious and I was possibly going to have to switch therapists for a while to do EMDR.
My friend asked if it was because of what she did. I didn’t lie to her. I didn’t think it would help. She broke down and told me she was sorry and that she “ruined everything.” I told her that she could have made a different decision, but that there’s nothing we can do to change it now so we just work with what we have.
She told me she “wasn’t okay” and I told her she was in the right place right now.
I told her we all loved her.
I am heartbroken honestly and physically ill.
I don’t know how to help her and me at the same time. I feel like I made it worse, but if I didn’t tell her now, she would have found out when she got out that I wasn’t doing well and then what?
So yeah. Just trying to feed it to her in small doses I guess. While she is in a safe place to process it.
Meanwhile, I took a nap this evening and had stupid nightmares again. I can’t get a break. They are almost constant.
I’m afraid to go to sleep, even though I need it.
I am so tired of this. I’m so tired of seeing her the way I saw her every where I look.
I am just overwhelmed.
I’m glad she calls. I mean, I want to know she’s breathing. I just… it’s a mixed blessing.