Mixed blessing?

My friend calls me from the hospital every day and I don’t know what to say to her.

Tonight, she asked me how I was and I just finally told her I was anxious and I was possibly going to have to switch therapists for a while to do EMDR.

My friend asked if it was because of what she did. I didn’t lie to her. I didn’t think it would help. She broke down and told me she was sorry and that she “ruined everything.” I told her that she could have made a different decision, but that there’s nothing we can do to change it now so we just work with what we have.

She told me she “wasn’t okay” and I told her she was in the right place right now.

I told her we all loved her.

I am heartbroken honestly and physically ill.

I don’t know how to help her and me at the same time. I feel like I made it worse, but if I didn’t tell her now, she would have found out when she got out that I wasn’t doing well and then what?

So yeah. Just trying to feed it to her in small doses I guess. While she is in a safe place to process it.

Meanwhile, I took a nap this evening and had stupid nightmares again. I can’t get a break. They are almost constant.

I’m afraid to go to sleep, even though I need it.

I am so tired of this. I’m so tired of seeing her the way I saw her every where I look.

It’s old.

I am just overwhelmed.

I’m glad she calls. I mean, I want to know she’s breathing. I just… it’s a mixed blessing.

2 thoughts on “Mixed blessing?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s