I don’t know if…

Trigger warning ⚠️

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…if I want this eating disorder to go away.

Yes, it runs my life.

Yes, I am kind of scaring myself with how far I’ve gotten into it already. Last time I lost 100 lbs, but I only purged once. This time I’ve been active for ten days so far and I’ve lost maybe 3.5 lbs and I’ve already purged twice. I also felt lightheaded tonight for the first time. I don’t remember that happening last time. Just headaches.

Yes, I am hoping to drop 100 lbs again, which would put me 25 lbs lighter than I was last time. That would still make me overweight on the BMI chart so it’s not like I’m trying to be 130 lbs.

I haven’t really started exercising though. I went for a walk yesterday. Basically just over a half mile with a break and then back. I need to start walking again though because those muscles are weak.

I don’t know. I’m just fighting with myself about this. I don’t want to be sick, but I don’t want to be fat either. I’m so tired of people assuming I’m stupid or don’t know any better. I’m tired of people assuming I eat 12 twinkies a day (I don’t eat junk food).

I’m tired of being “less than.” I’m tired of being overlooked.

When I was thinner, people would stop and hold doors open for me instead of dropping them in my face. I just am tired of the fatphobic society we live in.

I hate my body. I hate the way I look. If living with an eating disorder means I don’t look like this anymore, maybe it’s okay.

I don’t know what I’m saying really. I know it’s not healthy. I called my therapist and told her I was in trouble. Im journaling for her and my dietician. I just don’t know if I want them to help.

Ugh. I’m exhilarated and scared at the same time. I don’t know which side will win.

Image cited somewhere else on my blog.

2 thoughts on “I don’t know if…

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