It is starting to feel like a lot of progress that I’ve made is going up in smoke.
I can feel myself backsliding.
I am not using my skills very effectively.
I’m not getting things done.
I am avoiding things.
I’m getting triggered by stuff.
I really didn’t need a month without a therapist. I know it’s not her fault.
I just… there are so many things going on.
I just need to get a break.
There are no breaks.
I can’t catch one.
Even though I have some money stashed, I can’t go on a vacay because my mom would flip her lid. She just bought me a new car. It’s not like I have enough money to even cover one car payment anyway. It would just be enough to go put me and myself in a campground for a couple of nights or something. But whatever.
I have school anyway. I can’t really do anything unless I get school done. So there’s that. And we have a test this week. So the timing would be terrible I guess.
I really just want freedom from this anxiety. The meds aren’t doing it.
Yesterday, it was so bad that I contemplated going to a dispensary and buying some edibles (recreational marijuana is legal here). I super hate marijuana though. Like hate it. It usually just makes me ill. So I didn’t. I’m not morally opposed to it or anything, I just don’t use recreational drugs. I don’t even drink.
So anyway. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll try to draw or paint or something. I’m not sure. Maybe later.
I think right now my avoidance of things is going to kick in and I’m going to take a nap.
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