I feel absolutely gross

Trigger warning ⚠️

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Last week, my professor spent time in class talking about a colleague who had to “overcome” his issues with dealing with “fat people.”

It was awesome.

This week, we had to discuss all of the various aspects of wellness, and we spent an inordinate amount of time on physical wellness.

My prof actually made the statement that, “those of you who struggle with weight now will have major issues in the future in your career.”

He meant that we would struggle with our weight even more as school and work progressed. Whatever.

Maybe if I didn’t just have a chair collapse under me I wouldn’t be so sensitive, but last week in class I was fighting back tears, so I don’t think so.

Actually, last week set me off restricting my food intake and starting to super freak out about my weight again.

I hadn’t been weighing myself or anything and now I am every day.

I ate too many tootsie rolls tonight after class and I purged them. I’m not proud of it, but I had to in order to stop panicking.

I am not confused that being overweight will mess up my chances for jobs and promotions. I need to lose the weight.

I’m just feeling super gross.

I hate my body and how I look. I’m so angry.

One of my best friends is also fatphobic and told me she “hated her aunt” when she was a kid “because she was fat.” It made me feel like crap.

I just… feel less than a person.

I’m still seeing my dietican, but I don’t know if she can help me not relapse into really bad stuff.

I see my therapist in a week.

So many things. I don’t know.

Image from Pexels.

16 thoughts on “I feel absolutely gross

  1. I don’t want to put “like” because I am afraid you will think I like something about your situation! I don’t like it. The doctor part of me wants to give advice and I am busily telling it to shut up, because you have your own team of providers. Sending you hugs and love instead. Please post a photograph of the part of you you think is most beautiful and write a blog about why that is….that would comfort me that you see your own beauty.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I really appreciate your response and the kind words.

      I’m not feeling very beautiful at the moment. Not physically anyway. I know I’m kind and compassionate and intelligent. They are just overlooked much of the time because of what they are wrapped in…

      Like

  2. All over the world, and for most of human history, generously built women have been considered the ultimate in beauty. I don’t know what’s wrong with us right now. I’m skinny — too skinny — my thighs are narrower than my knees — but they tell me fat feels great in bed. We’re just ashamed to admit it!

    Ease up on your soft self, honey 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

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