Holding on till Friday

I have a med review and see my therapist on Friday.

Somehow, I have to keep it together until then.

I am trying to use decent coping skills, at least ones that aren’t total crap, and “stay in the moment.”

I guess.

The problem is that “the moment” is super crappy.

I’d much rather be mentally checked out and honestly, that’s how I spent this evening.

I played on my phone and watched stupid videos with my tv playing in the background.

I am not coping with this whole process of the death of my grandfather as well as I’d hoped I would. I wish I had more comfort in my faith. I mean, I do, but some of the images are just stuck with me. My family being jerks also was/is disturbing.

Add the fact that one of my very closest of friends is very unwell and completely not herself, and I’m just a wreck. It’s like I have to grieve her too almost. I’m not sure she is ever going to be herself again, and that’s almost more than I have in me to deal with.

I am sad and overwhelmed. I don’t know how to explain how many things have happened in the last couple of months.

It’s making me rethink everything.

I texted my therapist today and she said that I need to practice self care and it will get better. It doesn’t feel like it will get better.

I feel awful.

I don’t know how to explain this. Maybe it is just leftover grief from this weekend. Maybe I will recover from that.

This feels more like depression to me. Like the “BAM! Here’s your wall. Hope you enjoyed the crash” kind.

I could be wrong though. Maybe I just need more sleep. Maybe I just need more self care. I don’t think I need to do what I did today.

I don’t know.

I just know I’m not okay. I’m super not okay.

I have to check in with my therapist again tomorrow. I don’t know what’s going to have changed. It’s 2 am and I’m still awake struggling.

I should probably take my meds and go to sleep.

I guess that would be a good start.

Old original art by me.

4 thoughts on “Holding on till Friday

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