What’s NOT helping

Tw: eating disorder

Okay. So self-care is important to keeping me balanced and healthy.

I know that.

For anyone who knows DBT, eating is one of the PLEASE skills, (it’s the “E”).

I’m currently sucking at it.

I haven’t really been eating more than once a day with a super light “snack” maybe later/earlier.

Like yesterday, I ate one sunny-side-up egg and two pieces of dry wheat toast because my friend wanted to go to breakfast. I was terrified of the menu because literally everything was 650 calories plus, and that’s more than I eat in an entire day.

I was happy the waitress said she could make the egg and toast thing happen. I was sad the egg was greasy, but whatever. I tried not to think about it.

Then later, because I got upset about something and was shaky, my therapist asked me to eat, so I ate a hard boiled egg.

Today, it’s 2:15 p.m. and I’ve eaten a hard boiled egg.

Like… I know this isn’t good.

I also know that the weight coming off is fantastic. Like actually awesome. So… I’m kind of not willing to stop.

I mean, I know it’s a control thing. Everything was out of control for so long. Also, I’m tired of being fat.

Can I sustain this long term? No, probably not.

Still, I want to lose the weight and then go on a “maintenance diet.”

I think I can do that.

I just want it off.

I feel better every time I step on that scale now. Every. Single. Time.

What can I say? It’s euphoria. Like a brush with the happy kind of mania feelings. Even if it’s only for a few minutes.

I want to be more stable mentally, but I want to be thinner. Being thinner seems… like the bigger goal right now. Plus, being thinner makes me feel better.

Image from Pexels.

2 thoughts on “What’s NOT helping

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