I went digging in old posts today. I’ve never done that before.
I cannot believe that my providers put up with me.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed mostly knowing what I put them through, but I am also incredibly grateful for the ones who stuck by me.
I had to stop after a while because it was overwhelming really. I had blocked so much of that time out.
I mean, I lived through that. Holy hell.
It bothers me what I must be like now. How must I appear? Am I still lacking that much insight? Am I still that terrible?!
It almost feels like a different person, except I remember feeling those things. I remember the feelings were more intense, but more superficial if that makes any sense. How do I explain that? Everything was at the surface.
God I hope I’m more authentic now. I try all the time to be real. Sigh.
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