Tw: for all kinds of stuff.
I filled a solo cup 3/4 of the way full of vodka (minus the ice).
It sounds like a terrible idea, but it’s actually harm reduction compared to what I was going to do.
I was at the store, but I left and went home. It seemed like a safer place.
Yes, there’s booze here, but I don’t have access to other things that shall remain nameless and I can only really make myself miserable.
Should I have called the crisis people? Probably.
They are really just into “coaching” though and I don’t freaking need coaching. I need someone to listen and validate how I’m feeling. Being told I “just don’t have enough skills yet” is not validating, nor is it helpful.
I should reach out. I don’t want to. I’ve burdened all of my “reach out” people enough.
My grandpa didn’t even recognize me when I got to his house.
It was awful.
He figured it out eventually, but it was still awful.
He is a shell of himself. He told me he didn’t think he was going to make it to his birthday.
I can’t deal with all of this. Why can’t people see that?
This is all more than I can bear.
So I’m just going to get loaded.
That’s my plan.
For what it’s worth.
Photo by me.