Red solo cup

Tw: for all kinds of stuff.

I filled a solo cup 3/4 of the way full of vodka (minus the ice).

It sounds like a terrible idea, but it’s actually harm reduction compared to what I was going to do.

I was at the store, but I left and went home. It seemed like a safer place.

Yes, there’s booze here, but I don’t have access to other things that shall remain nameless and I can only really make myself miserable.

Should I have called the crisis people? Probably.

They are really just into “coaching” though and I don’t freaking need coaching. I need someone to listen and validate how I’m feeling. Being told I “just don’t have enough skills yet” is not validating, nor is it helpful.

I should reach out. I don’t want to. I’ve burdened all of my “reach out” people enough.

My grandpa didn’t even recognize me when I got to his house.

It was awful.

He figured it out eventually, but it was still awful.

He is a shell of himself. He told me he didn’t think he was going to make it to his birthday.

Ugh.

I can’t deal with all of this. Why can’t people see that?

This is all more than I can bear.

So I’m just going to get loaded.

That’s my plan.

For what it’s worth.

Photo by me.