It turns out…

…I just had to eat. I haven’t been doing a great job of that lately.

Whatever. TW from here on out for discussion of eating disordered thoughts.

The point is, I feel better physically now that I ate something.

Emotionally, I hate that I have to eat.

I’m grossly overweight and the one area that it’s still okay to harass people and judge people on is their weight.

It’s still totally acceptable to make fat jokes.

Who cares if I put on a crap load of weight as a child when my parents got divorced or again when I had to take psych meds? I mean really.

Does it matter to anyone that when I lost the 100lbs 3 years ago and looked “healthy” that I literally starved myself to do that? Like literally STARVED myself and did all KINDS of damage to my body in order to be socially acceptable?

I mean, there were two people in my life at the time who cared. Everyone else kept patting me on the back. People who should have known better.

I’m so tired.

Do I want to look like this? No. Obviously not. I hate it.

I’m trying to be healthy. I am. I’m not eating any “junk.”

I gave up soda and anything but water, I don’t eat breads or really cheese or any dairy but small amounts of fat free yogurt. I eat hard boiled eggs and bananas when I can get away with it- today was not one of those days- but really. What more does society want from me?

Insert curse word here.

I’m frustrated and angry.

I ate, but I want to go purge it. Had I not just taken my night meds I totally would.


Photo by me.

2 thoughts on “It turns out…

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