I realize I tend to avoid anything uncomfortable or painful.
Literally to the point that I am willing to destroy myself in order to avoid it.
I am not really sure where that comes from. I just know I freak out and panic when hard things come up and freeze like a deer in headlights.
I’m not a “confront the challenge” kind of person.
I’m a “try to find the easiest path around it” kind of person.
If someone is mean and difficult, I will literally pretty much debase myself in order to get along with them.
I don’t have a lot of self worth. Or any really.
I’ve let people treat me really poorly in the past. And then tried to continue to stay friends with them!
I’ve done that multiple times.
It’s pretty ridiculous, actually.
I don’t even know why I have done that.
I just don’t believe I am worthy of love or even kindness. The people who DO treat me with love and kindness have my undying loyalty because of it.
The first person to not take advantage of me and just love on me didn’t happen for me until a few years ago. I still expect her to get mad at me and yell or something. Never happens. I don’t know why.
I guess I have another friend from church like that now who is pretty awesome and doesn’t really expect anything from me except that I show up. She forgives me when I don’t. She loves on me too.
I’m always “trying.” I mean, I want to give up sometimes, but even in those moments, like now, I’m still reaching out and trying.
The avoidance thing is powerful though. It’s made my life hell. I need to get stronger. Face hard things and do them. I need to conquer my fears. I don’t think I’m going to do that in one day.
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