I am hurting

I am really angry. I don’t want to be angry.

I am sad.

I was very excited to go to Georgia to see my Dad (and stepmom).

I’ve been practicing my Spanish even so that I could have something to talk to my stepmom about and work with her on and show that I am truly interested in her culture and heritage.

She is from Colombia and I know that I haven’t always shown enough deference to that. I have tried in recent years, but my teen years and early twenties were probably a disaster.

I really do care about her even though I don’t think she thinks so and I was devastated when her mom passed away.

I was hoping to talk with her about her mom and be included in the family grieving process which up to now, I’ve been excluded from.

ANYWAY

I was supposed to get on a plane Monday morning. That was the plan. I had my ticket. Non refundable.

Dad calls me tonight in a 46 second phone call and says, “hey she’s still too upset to have company, but I’ll come visit in the next couple of weeks.”

I was STUNNED.

She’s just figuring this out?

I mean, I know she doesn’t like me so it’s kind of hard for me to tell if that’s the truth. I do know she goes into panic mode about making the house perfect etc for visitors and for some reason I am not family enough to not be considered a visitor so, there’s that. But…

Really?

Grief is awful and I can’t imagine losing my mom. So I don’t know what I would do.

I do know my Dad is probably full of crap when he says he will come visit me. He says that all of the time.

I really wanted/needed to get away. I really wanted to spend time with that part of my family.

Now I’m kind of glad it fell through.

I’m absolutely terrified that I’m too much like my dad.

Maybe this is a good thing.

You won’t see me posting about going to Georgia any time soon. I promise that.

2 thoughts on “I am hurting

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