On a high…

Tw for discussion of eating disorder behavior:

This is a picture of my favorite pair of shorts.

They are two sizes smaller than the jeans I was wearing a month ago.

I can not only get into them, they actually are comfy.

YAY!

I was feeling so gross about myself.

I still feel gross.

I am just feeling encouraged.

I did make an appointment with the dietician I used to see that specializes in eating disorders because I think I need to see her.

Shes super nice and I’m looking forward to working with her.

I just need some help.

Last night I ate Chinese food including crab rangoons and wonton soup and I wanted to purge so badly I almost cried.

I didn’t.

But I wanted to.

I didn’t overindulge in either, and I only ate half of the cashew nut chicken that I got (which is mostly veggies), but I just felt sick from the grease in the rangoons and later the soup.

I liked it, I just wished I hadn’t had eaten it.

My mom was talking about “healthy” foods this morning and things we could make and I was trying not to panic as she spoke.

I definitely have a whole list of “no” foods already.

I walked around yesterday, (until dinner), functioning on four cookies and a pear. I was lightheaded with a headache. I decided that’s what it’s going to take to lose weight.

I know that’s not healthy.

Then I try I clothes or step on a scale and I just get euphoric. It’s the best high.

I think it’s good I put that appointment in place. I probably wouldn’t have done that without someone pushing me for months otherwise.

Photo by me.