… and I don’t feel better. I still feel like a mess.
I hate everything.
I am so frustrated.
Tw for the rest of this post for discussions of substances and eating disorder behavior…
Of course in therapy I cried and was a disaster. On the way home, I was bouncing around blasting music and having a party in my car.
I mean, really.
Now I’m just… ugh.
I want to curl into a ball. Or get drunk and stay that way. I just don’t want the calories from that and I’m allergic to any kind of fake sugar.
I can’t, because I have things I want to get done and promises I’ve made to people. Stupid me.
I’m also hating myself for being so fat. I hate being hungry. I hate having to eat.
I hate that everything revolves around food.
I haven’t had pop or sugar in three days. I’ve lost ten pounds since my stupid doctors appointment a month ago. I’ve only really been trying to lose weight for two weeks, though.
I have a terrible knee and something strange in the bottom of my foot that my doctor won’t look at until next Wednesday, so I can’t walk for exercise. It’s making this process much harder.
I’d probably deal with the bad knee. Get a brace and suck it up. But the foot thing is impossible. It hurts so much. It’s not a bone spur or anything that shows up on an X-ray. I wear sandals all of the time and I think I got a piece of sand or glass in there that the skin grew over. Not sure. It’s awful.
Whatever. I had a banana and black coffee for breakfast and a smoothie made with berries and almond milk for lunch with an oz of cheese on the side (for protein). I’m trying. Lots of water.