⚠️ Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts…
I finally had a breakdown a couple of days ago.
Everything in my life was too overwhelming. I couldn’t take it anymore.
I fantasized about driving somewhere and disappearing… I honestly almost did that.
I saw trees that looked inviting.
Everywhere I looked it seemed like I could find a way to escape the pain I was feeling.
I had to change something.
There’s honestly very little I can change about my life. Things stay the way they are. The thing I changed is temporary, but it hurt someone nonetheless, and I feel terrible.
There was no way to get around it though.
I don’t know how to put myself first. I never have known how to do that. It was never really an option growing up, and so I learned it as a pattern of behavior. Now, I let things spiral way out of control before I do that and then have to be all dramatic about it.
I get so lost in other people, I think partly as a way to escape my own stuff, that I lose my “muchness” as Alice would say.
I literally lose myself.
I stop everything. I stop seeing people that are important. I stop caring for myself in little ways (that end up being big ways), I literally cancel or don’t schedule appointments, and I generally just don’t.
My best friend saw me do that with her years ago. She helped me to make myself a priority and still be friends with her. She would hold me accountable to take care of myself. It felt unnatural and awkward, but now we have an easy friendship and I think that is why.
I am honestly still struggling. To say I feel like a piece of crap would be an understatement.
I literally slept all of yesterday and last night except for two hours.
I see friends and my cousin today which will help me get through.
The church I go to sometimes is having their Christmas program tomorrow, so I may go to that. I have no idea what I’m doing the rest of the day to survive. Maybe I’ll bake something.
Thankfully, my therapist had an opening Monday, so I’ll see her then. I’m praying she has some ideas. I am not okay.
I’m not in the hospital because I am convinced it will just make my situation worse. People know I’m not okay, and I’m keeping in touch with them. It’s kind of day by day.
If you don’t see me post as much, it’s just because I don’t know what to say. I’m overwhelmed. Things may not be too much, but they feel that way right now.
Image from Pexels.