Fence

I’m sitting on the fence today on whether I want to be productive, or whether I just want to wallow in this miserable mood I find myself in.

There are definitely things I should be doing.

I kind of don’t want to.

I know I will feel better if I do them.

I really kind of don’t want to.

So yeah. Just struggling with myself.

I know I need to get my butt up, get in the shower and get some of these things done.

I literally might just be okay with a shower today and start there. Tomorrow I can tackle bigger things.

I don’t know why I have been having such a difficult time getting my butt moving. I just have.

I actually do know. It’s because I believe I’m a failure. I act like I’m one because I believe I am. I still don’t know how to shake that.

Changing my behavior to somehow change my beliefs has not worked. I didn’t change any beliefs. I actually only cemented some.

People think that my completing that art class last year was some kind of accomplishment for me, but I saw it as a huge failure. I would have been better to drop out of it than stay in it and not be able to create anything but one project the entire time. Really. Completing the class wasn’t the goal. I didn’t feel better. I never really managed to explain that to my providers who thought it was so important that I finished it. It didn’t teach me the things they wanted it to. I should have trusted my gut.

I can’t do the things I need to do because I’m convinced I will fail at them anyway.

It leaves me paralyzed.

My therapist thinks it is “low self esteem.” Duh.

I think it might not be fixable at this point.

I’m just not having a good day.

Image from Pexels.

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