Core

How do you change core beliefs? I know I was supposed to do that in CBT, but I think I missed a few.

One of the major ones I’m struggling with is: I am broken.

I’m positive this message has come from a variety of places and been reinforced throughout the years by many people, including myself.

I started believing this after I was diagnosed bipolar. I believed that I was irremediably broken. I didn’t see a future for myself beyond mental health visits and hospitalizations. I went on to prove that to myself.

My mom questioned every attempt I made at self improvement with questions meant to be supportive like, “are you sure you can handle that?” Those questions really only furthered my self-doubt.

I had therapists who told me I needed a “higher level of care” or “someone more specialized” to meet my needs.

I’ve had social workers tell me I was “headed for adult foster care.”

I’ve had so many diagnoses I can’t count them all.

I have tried, (and failed), on so many medications the list barely fits on one page with the font still legible.

I feel broken.

I know I’m not supposed to. I know the thought I’m supposed to challenge that with is:

I can do the things I want to do with the skills and supports I’ve developed over time.

The problem is, while I know that’s what I’m supposed to believe, I don’t.

I’ve don’t the pros and cons squares. I can identify the irrational thoughts. It’s not helping.

I can’t seem to shake this core belief that somehow my very self is shattered. That my pieces are like Humpty Dumpty and no one can put me together again; not even me. I know no one else can do it. I know I have to.

I looked to others to do it for me for a long time. They can’t. I know that now. I just am not sure I can either.

I don’t want to give up on myself, I just don’t know how to do this. I feel like a failure.

I can identify the problem, but I can’t come up with the solution. I don’t know how to fix this.

It’s ruining everything.

Image from Pixabay.

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