I went to my rheumatologist today and he had one of those depression screening things for me to do.
I declined it.
I was kind of afraid that I would score too high and he would freak out.
I couldn’t remember the scoring on that particular form, and I didn’t want to score too high.
I didn’t feel like lying, at least not on some stupid form. I did tell him my depression was “moderate,” which is almost true.
I mean, outside of some mild ideation that I have absolutely NO plan to act on, like ZERO, I am not suicidal.
I AM seriously lacking in my ability to function and do simple things like laundry, shower, getting essential things done, etc.
I’m behind on a lot of chores and a lot of personal things that have deadlines that I’m afraid I won’t meet.
I am so overwhelmed.
I tried to tell one of my providers how bad it’s getting, but I don’t think she heard me. I see my therapist tomorrow and I will try to tell her, but it’s harder sometimes for me to explain things to her, so I don’t know how that will work out. I just have to have faith that someone will listen before this goes too far.
I don’t want to end up in crisis housing or the hospital because I needed some intervention and didn’t get it. That would be really hard.
So yeah. I’m trying.
I was doing well. I don’t know if it’s the change it light, the steroids I was on, the change in my meds finally catching up to me, situational things or simply my brain acting up, but something is amiss.
I will advocate until I figure it out.
Image from Pixabay.