As I sift through old blog posts, I’m reminded that I’m only a breath away from being that person I was just over three years ago.
That thought terrifies me.
I read those posts and, while I can remember writing them, it feels like someone else.
It’s hard to look back and remember how I felt in those moments. The panic, the desperation, the despair and the anguish.
I get upset now when I feel just a twinge of that because I’m worried that I will somehow slide back into that very dark place and not be able to come out of it.
I have been having a semi-difficult time with all of the changes in my life lately, and fears about the ones to come, and I think I’ve been afraid of the reflection of three years ago.
Really it’s a reflection of even more recently than that, and that reality is daunting.
I feel haunted by this person that I used to be. Maybe she’ll come back and overtake me. Maybe I’ll slip and not have the same ability to climb up out of the ashes as I did before.
Then maybe I’ll be okay.
Image cited somewhere else on my blog.