Trauma

I’m just starting to learn about trauma with my new therapist.

There’s a lot to learn.

I’m starting to become convinced, not really because of this therapist or anything she’s said, but because of long standing suspicion on my part, that I may not be actually bipolar.

That’s right; I may be a fraud.

To be fair, I didn’t know I was a fraud. I honestly thought that the collection of symptoms that I was experiencing constituted a distinct and definable mental illness.

I mean, I still do.

I’m convinced I have chronic depression.

I’m not so sure about the rest.

Perhaps depression with psychotic features because of the paranoia I’ve rarely experienced.

I can’t say with any real certainty that I’ve ever truly been manic. I’ve never gone more than one night without sleep and if I do go a night without sleep, I’m a complete wreck. It doesn’t matter how bouncy I am. I need sleep.

Sure I blew a ton of money a decade ago in a three month span. There are so many factors tied into that though, I’m not convinced it was mania.

I’m starting to think that most of my issues stem from trauma. Much of my support team thinks so. My therapist even thinks that the paranoia stuff can be addressed in therapy because it’s likely trauma-based and not a symptom of something else.

Part of me would be glad to be rid of the “bipolar” label. It hasn’t done me many favors.

Part of me would be sad to be leaving a “club” I have advocated so vocally for.

I don’t know.

I hate labels. They confuse everything. Honestly, getting the bipolar label ended up being traumatic in and of itself.

I am not sure what I think exactly about this new path.

I am cautiously curious.

Image from Pexels.

3 thoughts on “Trauma

  1. I totally understand where your coming from I hold four labels now, but they don’t define me, and they are not the labels I was first diagnosed with.

    I was told I was told I just had social anxiety, then general anxiety with depression. Then bipolar, shortly after manic depressive and OCD.

    I want being super open with my therapist though, because I was ashamed of my past.

    Now I am told I have PTSD, ADHD, OCD, GAD with depression.

    The funny thing is my therapist (the best one I’ve ever had), told me honestly it doesn’t matter because most of the meds They prescribe are broad spectrum and for the most part they have to just try a few different combinations until they find what works, but it’s the counseling that will really make the difference.

    So I try not to get hung up with labels but ai still display the happily, because honestly where all In This together and it’s less about our specific mental health diagnosis and more about just getting to the root of what brought out these issues and how we can manage them and live the life we deserve to live.

    Hope this helped, have a great day.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. Yeah, my meds might not change a whole lot, and in the end the label doesn’t matter a whole heck of a lot, but I identified with “bipolar” in such an unhealthy way that it might be a good thing. I don’t know how to explain that.

      Liked by 1 person

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