I really should be putting this is in a journal, but it’s easier for me to write here and I don’t have any secrets to keep from you.
I already wrote about that weight loss appointment today and how I should’ve brought a support person with me.
It was definitely hard to go by myself and it raised a lot of old garbage.
I was a normal-sized kid, meaning I was not overweight.
(That’s me on the left).
I didn’t put on weight until after my parents’ divorce.
This is when I started getting called “fat” by my grandmother and kids at school. This is also when I started to consider myself “overweight.”
By the winter of 2018, I looked like this:
I was the biggest that I had ever been.
Last summer I shrunk several sizes by simply refusing to eat. I was losing 5-7 lbs a week and getting a rush from watching the numbers on the scale dropping. I literally lost 100lbs.
I scared my treatment team and was celebrated by family and friends.
Today was really hard. That appointment brought up a lot of old feelings about being the “fat girl” and contributed to my feelings of being unlovable and gross.
I’m supposed to change how I eat and honestly, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I will drop off the deep end like I did last year. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to make any changes at all. I’m afraid that my weight is stuck where it is and I will hate myself forever.
People hate fat people. They make fun of them.
I just don’t want to be one of them anymore.
First image from pexels.