Journaling 📓

I really should be putting this is in a journal, but it’s easier for me to write here and I don’t have any secrets to keep from you.

I already wrote about that weight loss appointment today and how I should’ve brought a support person with me.

It was definitely hard to go by myself and it raised a lot of old garbage.

I was a normal-sized kid, meaning I was not overweight.

(That’s me on the left).

I didn’t put on weight until after my parents’ divorce.

This is when I started getting called “fat” by my grandmother and kids at school. This is also when I started to consider myself “overweight.”

By the winter of 2018, I looked like this:

I was the biggest that I had ever been.

Last summer I shrunk several sizes by simply refusing to eat. I was losing 5-7 lbs a week and getting a rush from watching the numbers on the scale dropping. I literally lost 100lbs.

I scared my treatment team and was celebrated by family and friends.

Today was really hard. That appointment brought up a lot of old feelings about being the “fat girl” and contributed to my feelings of being unlovable and gross.

I’m supposed to change how I eat and honestly, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I will drop off the deep end like I did last year. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to make any changes at all. I’m afraid that my weight is stuck where it is and I will hate myself forever.

People hate fat people. They make fun of them.

I just don’t want to be one of them anymore.

First image from pexels.

2 thoughts on “Journaling 📓

  1. I don’t want this to sound negative, critical, judgemental, etc..but when I go to the gym the ones I admire the most are people that are overweight. I am not overweight at this time, but it is very hard/challenging for me to get motivated to exercise or even show up at the gym. I don’t look at overweight people with disgust or anything else, I look at them as being super strong. They show up regardless of how they look or how much discipline it takes. When I first started taking my meds for depression and Bipolar Disorder I gained 20 pounds from taking Seroquel. Finally, after being tired and seeing chubby pictures I prayed for God to help me lose weight. After that, out of the blue I felt spiritually and physically led to start running as crazy as that may sound. However, just a couple of months later I lost that extra weight and felt better than I had felt in a very long time if not ever. The depression lifted and mentally I was in such a good place that I continued this habit. That was in 2015 and I still run not like I used to, but I don’t berate myself if I don’t. That is also a habit that I am a work in progress with. Anyway, this is just my perspective I know how hard it was for me to start the process of exercise and also what being overweight felt like. For those that have never struggled with the issue forget about them! There are A LOT of people out there who admire you for even trying or wanting to do better in that area.! 🙂 I admire and connect to people based on their personality and themselves as people not their weight. YOU GO GIRL!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. Yeah, when I walked every day last year I felt great! I walked all over.

      It’s much harder for me to do that now because I am in so much pain from my knees. I need to lose some weight from diet before I can start putting that kind of pressure on my knees. I’m sort of limited on what I can do.

      I don’t have the money for a gym or pool membership and there aren’t any free indoor, (a necessity here 8 months out of the year), pools near me. The ymca was still outrageously expensive even with a scholarship, so I couldn’t keep my membership there.

      I know that walking helps depression. Definitely. I always feel better when I exercise.

      I’ll get there.


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