Purpose

I was asked, “what you can find purpose and meaning in?”

Ummm….

I’m feeling super frustrated right now with myself.

I am scared of my own shadow and afraid to try anything. I am afraid of failure, afraid of choosing the wrong thing, afraid of repeating past mistakes, afraid of proving everyone “right” about me (including myself), afraid of success, afraid of being responsible for myself, and paralyzed by all of it.

I’ve made so many mistakes in my past leaping into things because I didn’t have anywhere to go that I don’t trust myself.

I think that nursing would be a good career path for me, but really, when it comes down to it, I’m not sure it’s what lights a fire under me.

I’m not sure anything lights a fire under me anymore.

I’m too scared to dream. I don’t feel like I deserve dreams. I’ve chased so many and people have supported them so many times just to watch them blow up.

I can’t do that again.

I wish I felt that confidence I felt when I was younger. I wish I could tap into that because right now I just feel like a shell of myself.

Is it nursing? Is it social work? Is it something totally different that I haven’t even considered? I need something that will pay me enough that I can work the least number of hours and still afford to live. I don’t know what that’s going to be yet.

If I can figure out how to be successful in school, I think education is the solution to this, if I can figure out exactly what I’m educating myself for.

Maybe I should just go to medical school like I thought of before.

Ugh.

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