Inheritance

I’m the product of a large group of people who are “sort of” sick.

Most of my extended family is prescribed some kind of psychiatric medication.

Both of my grandmothers had issues with depression and anxiety and I had one uncle who suicided with alcohol.

It’s hard to explain how I know that he did that since he was an alcoholic for 50 years, but he believed that if he stayed with beer he was safe. Suddenly one day he switched to liquor after the death of his mother and a divorce and he was dead within months. I and my cousin worked to get adult protective services involved, but they can only do so much, and it was kind of too late by the time they stepped in. I just knew the day I saw the fifth in his house that I was seeing a loaded gun to his head as far as he was concerned, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was terrible.

My mom struggles with her own demons, and my Dad is an enigma.

The genetics of this illness and what we understand and don’t understand about it, is part of the reason I decided not to have kids. I can see it in my cousins on both sides and it’s still spreading. I don’t judge anyone who has made the decision to have children for themselves, I just can’t do it for me. I’m enough of a train wreck. I cannot imagine having to be responsible to help another person navigate this mess.

My other shame though is that I cannot fathom inflicting this mess on a tiny person who didn’t ask for someone as messed up as me for a mom.

Again, I don’t judge parents with mental illness. I just know it’s not for me.

I’m totally off topic and in tears now because I can’t focus on anything.

Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that my Pedigree is kind of messed up. Someone in my family was going to end up with Bipolar Disorder. There are probably more than one of us and I just don’t know about it because we aren’t close or because it’s currently being covered up with a substance abuse issue.

My head is spinning so that’s all I have today for the Daily Prompt.

Sorry this was so abrupt.

Photo by me.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Inheritance

  1. Sometimes when the road feels dark and you can’t find your shadow, look above your head…there is always a source of light from above. God can fix all kinds of mess. Mathew 11:28

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s