I have noticed something about myself through this past few days: I suck at grief.

I guess it’s not a new something that I’ve noticed, but rather how I handle it.

I generally have flat out rejected it in the past and not dealt with it unless absolutely forced to do so. Mostly because it didn’t feel safe to feel it. I didn’t feel like I had anyone there to put me back together if I fell into tiny pieces. That’s not anyone’s fault. People have lives and I probably could have counted on someone. I just have a lot of trouble asking for help.

More recently, the first time I can think of is when my psychiatrist retired, I’ve done better with allowing myself to feel it, but I don’t know what to do with it. I also eventually hit a wall with it and declare that, “enough is enough,” and that it’s time to move on. That’s what I did today by going to the lakeshore. I was trying to put an end to the grieving process. It even sort of worked.

The problem is that by putting an “end to it,” I’m effectively rejecting the grief there as well. I just don’t know how to naturally experience this level of awful for an extended period of time. I don’t have patience for it in myself. It feels weak and like I’m some kind of attention-seeker. I hate it.

I also am finding out that I can’t really shut it down as easily as I would like. Even if I’m not specifically upset in a moment about my cousin, I’m still quiet or weepy or off in a way that is detectable.

At least I didn’t sob through my walk this afternoon.

Really, all I end up doing is covering up all of my feelings and burying them so that they can come up and bite me later. Sometimes they just crop up as other symptoms or problems.

I really need to figure out the healthiest way to deal with this. I just don’t know what that really looks like. I’ve never seen it before.

Image from Pixabay.

8 thoughts on “Covering

  1. Grieving in my experience is a bit of an on and off process. Times where its front and center and all consuming, and then it goes background for a while, like today at the beach, and then it may wander its way forward again. Trouble shows up if you declare it “done” and ignore it when it comes round for another turn. Sometimes you have to say wait, I’ll get back to you, but then if you attend to it again, it works. Over time, the waves become both less frequent and less intense, but like real ocean (or great lake) waves, you can get a surprise big one you didn’t see coming. Definitely a surfing sort of process.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Steph. I was just kind of realizing that I don’t have a marker for what “normal” looks like in this process. We don’t do grief in my house and I have no idea what it looks like up close. Just trying to figure it out I guess.

      Thanks for your comment. It helps. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Most of us learn as we go along, if we are willing to pay attention. There’s a blog here I follow that you might find helpful– If that doesn’t work, look for Cee and Chris, Grief recovery specialists.

        Liked by 1 person

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