I’ve written a lot about hope today and I am hopeful, I really am. I just also don’t want to discount the sort of sadness that underpins everything that I feel as well.
I can’t really shake this depression no matter how hard I try. It’s not the bruising, crushing, soul-stealing kind of depression I have experienced many times before, but it’s still there like a ghost taking up space in the corner of my head.
Really it’s just a sadness that pervades everything. I find it hard to truly experience real joy. It comes, but it’s a challenge, and I always feel the leaving of it like the cool the comes when a cloud passes over the sun on a spring day. For me, it’s just that those sunny moments are rare and the clouds are almost always dark and heavy as of late.
This means that simple things, (like writing a post about sadness), can cause tears to flow in the middle of the day. It also means that really simple tasks are a major chore for me.
I post my goals almost every day because, even though most of them seem very simple, (i.e., take a shower), they are not as easy as they appear. I struggle with getting out of bed, even when I wake up at 3:30 in the morning. Sometimes I’m in my pajamas for the entire day for days at a time.
It means that I miss out on spending time with family or friends because I’m just not up to doing things. Some of them understand. Some of them don’t have patience for it and I really push myself to try to be the best cousin, friend, daughter, etc I can be, but sometimes I just fail.
It means that I often feel like I’m drowning under a tide of seemingly never ending tasks, and some get avoided simply because I feel like I can’t handle them.
I can see hope but I am still barely treading water. I want to get to the place where my feet touch the bottom and I can breathe without the air burning my lungs.
That will be a good day.
Older original art by me.