Real

TRIGGER WARNING

So this post doesn’t have an image because I couldn’t really imagine what would go with it. Not really.

Today’s Prompt of Confess inspired me to get some things off of my chest about this last week.

I think probably some background is necessary for this though so bear with me.

I used to be chronically suicidal. As in, I always kind of didn’t really want to be here, but I wasn’t really motivated enough to carry through with any of the multitude of plans that ran through my head. I was that way for years. Sometimes I would get a little too close to actively suicidal and I would take myself to the ER and seek help.

After this summer’s fiasco, a switch flipped, I started CBT and that really hasn’t been an issue anymore. I mean, I literally haven’t thought about it much at all since mid-fall.

Then this last week happened. Nothing bad happened really. I didn’t have a huge trigger. Christmas kind of sucks for me generally, but it’s not some giant trigger. There was no reason other than my mood getting destabilized either from the birth control pill I was taking and hormones, or from some organic cycle of the Bipolar Disorder that I live with.

I have to confess to having a couple of days with moments where I just didn’t want to be here anymore. Before anyone freaks, I didn’t have any intentions on carrying anything out or any concrete plans, I just had that wish that I didn’t have to do this for one more moment.

That’s real I guess though. It’s the nature of the beast. My brain doesn’t always fire correctly and I could freak out about it and turn it into a much bigger deal than it is, or I could just acknowledge that it is a symptom of how I am doing, report it to my providers, and keep going. My first psychiatrist always said she used those thoughts as a sort of thermometer to gauge how my brain was doing. I think that’s a fair way to look at it.

I’m not in any kind of danger, and I’m not having any thoughts like this currently, but I think it’s important to share that they happen. It’s real life. There’s so much stigma around this kind of thing, I just want to break the conversation open.

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18 thoughts on “Real

  1. Hey, everybody had their moment of doubt. I was there also. Not a fun period of my life, but a very sobering. I learned a lot from the dark side of me. A prof that positive thinking can flip the situation around and make you move from the monotony of life. Good post Sergeant Kimberly. Thanks for sharing. If anything, makes the load lighter on the shoulders. We all march on. 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I know those moments. I actually had a flicker of one the other day. Nothing bad happened, no trigger, just that feeling of “Ya know what? I don’t want to do this anymore. I just wish I was gone” and then I told myself that was nonsense and moved on Though iwas alarmed that I even had the thought because I have been so good at not having Suicidal thoughts as of late. It just happens. It is how my brain trips sometimes. I’m ok with that. I am confident that I will seek out help if the time ever comes that they become a bit more serious.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m glad to hear that you will seek out help.

      I’m of a similar perspective. That’s pretty much exactly what was going on with me. I’ve always been really good about getting help if I need it, so I know I will do that if things get out of hand.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I can relate so much. I feel like I am in the “chronically suicidal” category myself, at least when it comes to thoughts, luckily I haven’t actually attempted anything, but I think about it way too much and often just wish I would go to sleep and not wake up. At the hospital I think they called it “casually suicidal” or something like that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That was me for a very long time. A VERY long time. I think part of me got scared out of it by some things that happened this summer, and part of me is healing through CBT. I really haven’t struggled with it like I have in the past. I guess that’s why it was noticeable this past week.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Know this place well myself (my struggle is unipolar rather than bipolar, and things have been mostly stable for years now) A big difference between what I (and many others in the biz) call passive suicidal ideation and active. Passive is what I think of as the “vaporize me out, I’m done with this”, as opposed to active, in which one has a serious plan and is considering using it–much more dangerous.
    I like your psychiatrist’s using of it as a thermometer of your mind, a good way to think about it.

    Good to bring this to the light. And yes talking about this is important. Like so many things, the more we understand, the more effectively we can deal with stuff in as healthy a manner as possible.

    Lack of sleep for me is a big trigger of the passive stuff, and it occurs to me that some of your recent stuff could have been set off by reduced sleep as well as hormonal stuff, which can most certainly mess with one’s moods, no matter what your ob-gyn wishes was the case.
    Good post, Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Yeah I suspect it’s been an unholy alliance of the sleep and the hormones.

      I’m glad to hear that your battle has mostly stabilized.

      You’re right that this has been entirely a passive thing. No active thoughts.

      Thanks for the read and the comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Having been there most of my life I know how it can always be a work in progress. Sending you lots of love and good vibes, always feel free to talk about it it really *is* important to do so ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your support. I’m sorry you can relate.

      It’s crappy, but as I’ve said it’s not dangerous right now. It’s just kind of… crap. I am fairly certain I know why my mood has been shifty. I just wish it would settle.

      Like

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