So this post doesn’t have an image because I couldn’t really imagine what would go with it. Not really.
Today’s Prompt of Confess inspired me to get some things off of my chest about this last week.
I think probably some background is necessary for this though so bear with me.
I used to be chronically suicidal. As in, I always kind of didn’t really want to be here, but I wasn’t really motivated enough to carry through with any of the multitude of plans that ran through my head. I was that way for years. Sometimes I would get a little too close to actively suicidal and I would take myself to the ER and seek help.
After this summer’s fiasco, a switch flipped, I started CBT and that really hasn’t been an issue anymore. I mean, I literally haven’t thought about it much at all since mid-fall.
Then this last week happened. Nothing bad happened really. I didn’t have a huge trigger. Christmas kind of sucks for me generally, but it’s not some giant trigger. There was no reason other than my mood getting destabilized either from the birth control pill I was taking and hormones, or from some organic cycle of the Bipolar Disorder that I live with.
I have to confess to having a couple of days with moments where I just didn’t want to be here anymore. Before anyone freaks, I didn’t have any intentions on carrying anything out or any concrete plans, I just had that wish that I didn’t have to do this for one more moment.
That’s real I guess though. It’s the nature of the beast. My brain doesn’t always fire correctly and I could freak out about it and turn it into a much bigger deal than it is, or I could just acknowledge that it is a symptom of how I am doing, report it to my providers, and keep going. My first psychiatrist always said she used those thoughts as a sort of thermometer to gauge how my brain was doing. I think that’s a fair way to look at it.
I’m not in any kind of danger, and I’m not having any thoughts like this currently, but I think it’s important to share that they happen. It’s real life. There’s so much stigma around this kind of thing, I just want to break the conversation open.